Bad Teenage Poetry

The Golden Hours

2011-12-26T23:54:00.004-07:00

As ever year passes and I get older and older I am starting to realize that all the joy in life happens in between those moments you plan for. The filler is the stuff that is really worth anything. You make plans and you work hard and you achieve goals only to have them supplanted by new ones that become more important. Old goals just become stepping stones to others you never knew you even wanted.

I spent the morning working on the car with my dad and the afternoon and evening with Cliff, Jeff, Dustin, and Nick. It wasn't a day that was supposed to be anything special but it was great. For once, I didn't have something I was working to get. I was just there, being impressed by my dad's ability to turn the chaos of scattered brake parts into a solution to my car problems of the last 8 months. I was there with my friends. My real God given friends that laugh at my stupid jokes, help me turn an afternoon into night, and make me feel like a million bucks.

And that's what it is all about. Not my goals, not my achievements, not my chores. It's about that stupid stuff. The older I get, the more of the former I get and more difficult it is to make time for the latter. And that sucks. But it's reality.

I'm only one of the billions of people running around this world. I'm not even one of the "important" ones and likely never will be. That fact is existentially heartbreaking and undermines any ambition no matter how great. Scale is devastating and not flattering when you think about what that means for you and the things you worry about and lust about every day. This isn't a new problem for me. Hell, my "coming to grips" with it inspired that italicized pair of words below Bad Teenage Poetry. Unfortunately, whatever resolution I had is now lost. And for the last couple of years it has begun to consume me. It makes me hate myself and the world I live in. Whatever trick of fate caused me to be stuck inside myself only serves to frustrate me more.

So, here is my new years resolution. Come to peace with myself to the extent that it is possible and start living for those in my life that give it any significance. This is cliche but I don't mean it in the traditional sense. It's not even something I need to do for them but for me before I destroy myself expecting more. This is hard. I'm simultaneously arrogant and self loathing and it is high time I broke from this. I'm no Algernon. It's time I let go of his chains. It's time I broke the cycle. Yet, a piece of me believes this may just be my tragedy. A tragedy of existence unfulfilled. A paradox of blessings and curses. Of unsolicited answers and unasked questions.

Maybe that's all there is.

Quiet obscurity

2011-12-21T23:25:00.002-07:00

Hey blog,

I've missed you. Or rather have I missed the free time I had to wax incoherently in you. Simpler times. Things worked out well for me since I last posted. I'm proud of the things I've built for myself over the last couple years. It's hard for me to be thankful when times are tough but I would but much less happy if things didn't work out as smoothly as they did.

Just reading back over my last few entries before I quit, I realize I'm glad for the the times I did post. Nobody understands myself quite as well as myself for obvious reasons and it helps to see some continuity in my life. I keep meaning to get back into writing for the sake of it. It's hard to do when I spend the rest of the day writing for work to work up the desire but not sorting out my thoughts before I go to bed has not been healthy and I've had some trouble sleeping lately. That being said, it'll be good for me to start unloading again. This time maybe it'll be in a little more obscurity than it used to be for better and worse but probably mostly better.

So there it is. I'm getting married in a few days and I'm not sure if there is anything I've been so excited for on such a genuine level. This is my life and day by day it builds upon itself, sometimes without me even noticing.

That is one of my more terrifying thoughts.

Jury Duty

2009-11-18T21:19:00.002-07:00

- I'm back in Fort Collins after my Arapahoe County road trip. The census enumerator test went well. I got a 100% on it which heavily bolsters my chances of getting the job in the spring. Jury duty went okay too I guess. There ended up being no cases needing juries today so after two hours after I got to the courthouse everyone was dismissed and I didn't get put on a jury for a trial. This wasn't ideal. I would have preferred to get put on a jury and gotten to miss work the rest of the week but it could have been a lot worse. I didn't have to be there all day and THEN not get put on a jury. If I'm truly honest with myself it's probably for the best that I didn't get selected. With only a month left in my internship and a boss that has been becoming more and more of a ghost, work has gotten a lot less interesting. Missing the rest of the week would have made it real difficult for me to regain my motivation going forward up until Christmas.

- The trip home was much needed. My batteries were drained and my spirits were getting down. It was good to get out of Fort Collins for a little bit. I still love it up here but being out of school, the town has a much smaller hold on me than it used to. I'm growing up and part of that process is letting go bit by bit of everything I refused to before. The trick here is finding the next thing for me to love.

- I'm thankful for my family. I always know I can go to Aurora if I ever just need to get away and recharge. Its nice seeing how we are growing closer together even as we move farther apart. I'm also thankful for Kimbre. We've come a long way in our relationship and we're still learning but it's amazing seeing the ways how we become better friends and closer together everyday.

- And I'm thankful to be alive. Everyday.

Mid November Already

2009-11-11T21:53:00.002-07:00

- I thrive on feedback. Its hard to right the course of your life without it. I've decided this is the source of all my frustrations with my job and the backdrop for that nasty feeling that plagues disappointments and causes concerns. If I just hang in there it'll all be alright. In about two months I'll have more feedback from more places than I know what to do with, but until then I've got to keep myself diligent and focused. All that said I think I'm doing alright about it.

- Somethings up with me and I know I have something to say but I just can't figure out what it is. I keep second guessing everything and expecting so much for myself and my future. I even second guess whether or not this is a problem. Since when have I set the bar for myself so unachievabley high? And why have I been doing it? Maybe it'll end up paying off but for now the grey hairs its giving me are just not worth it. Maybe that'll be my project this week. Adjusting my perspective. Starting now.

2009-11-07T11:03:00.000-07:00

-I'm feeling good today. :)

Early November and Moving

2009-11-04T20:20:00.003-07:00

- One thing after another. Taking punch after punch. I'm still standing though and I'm proud of that. It was nice hearing from my mom about how life was for her and my dad when they were my age. Sometimes that's how life is but look at them now. They've made it. They're balanced, wealthy, grounded, and successful people. But more than anything I see them as wise. They know whats important, what matters, how things work. Everytime I go to them for advice or just to talk I always walk away with things better in perspective than before which is something I used to take for granted.

- So I guess I'm feeling okay. When I look around my room I'm proud because no matter how tough things can be financially, I'm here and I'm on my one and its on my own ticket. My money puts a roof over my head and food in my belly. It won't be enough to last forever, but for now, I'm making it and thats good enough for now.

- Hanging in there.

Poor use of a Friday

2009-10-30T22:38:00.002-06:00

- As they say, another day another dollar. I'm ready for this year to be over. I'm drowning in stress on a Friday night with no acceptable outlet. It was a nice thought for me to try and be responsible but I think more than anything I've just overwhelmed myself. I don't know if I can do it. I'm gonna be upset if it all falls through and just like always the cracks are showing. I guess it's all teaching me one of those mean lessons about life. A lot of times, things don't work out like you want things are never ever easy. It sucks being my age in my time. I have no resources, no avenues for escape, and few successes with nothing this society says I need going for me right now. I don't have any money, experience, or a well developed network. In the eyes of the job market, I'm worthless. The only place I feel I have a slight edge is heading toward a PhD but the more I want it, the harder it seems to get to even take myself to a point where they can consider me. I'm not giving up. Not yet, but man, I don't know how many more disappointments I can take.

- Its so daunting. Sometimes I like my chances, sometimes I don't. I dread the consequences of failure much more than I value the fruits of success. That's not healthy and is a terrible way to live a life. I hope things change. I hope they get better. All I can do is keep my nose to the grinder no matter how raw its getting rubbed and at least put the failure in the success of my fate. So that's what I do.

- Well I feel a little bit better. Thanks for sucking up my gloom poor blog reader. Chances are though, you're my age and either in my position or getting there so you can relate. Cheers.

Memphis

2009-10-27T17:06:00.003-06:00

- Snow on the way tomorrow! Thats good I guess. I really wish that my car heater was working. Or that I wasn't too poor to fix it. If there is one really good thing about my situation living in borderline poverty trying everything I can to launch an educational and professional in a bad economy its that it has all but killed the sense of entitlement I entered school with. Jobs aren't given away. Neither are grad school positions. I can no longer earn things by skirting by with minimum amount of effort. I never struggled in school in school, not even in college, but now I'm learning theres more to success than mental aptitude and I hope that when someday I do finally break through that I never take it for granted. I hope I never forget how truely little I need to get by. I'm living fairly comfortably on 8 dollars an hour 25 hours a week. I hope am always grateful for a salary that pays the bills, a roof over my head, and food in belly.

- I'm hanging out with Brittany and Jeff tonight for the first time since I graduated. It'll be nice. There was a soothing feeling of being at home and happy during our Tuesday night excursions. They're just good people, the kind that can sit and talk for hours and never feel like any kind of step was lost. I do wish Julie was going to be there, probably not as much as her though. Poor girl, stuck down south with her student teaching.

- I choose a bad semester to ask for one of my letters of recommendation. She'll still get it for me but I know shes not going to have the time to make it as good as she made the last one. I hope that doesn't come back to haunt me. Its kind of stressful because my letters are the one area of the application that I have little to no flexibility on. Well, it'll still work out. My main 'choice' schools have the later application dates which should serve to my advantage and won't cripple the whole process. Times running out though, slowly but surely. I hope it goes off smoothly. I won't lie I'm nervous.

- Otherwise I'm just hanging in there, making the most of things. I've been getting better, I can feel it. I think I underestimated the effect the events of this summer had on me and was too hard on myself when I wasn't ok right away but now that I'm relaxing a little more, prioritizing a little more effectively, and am closer to my goals, I'm coming through on the other side.

- So smile! Its gonna be ok.

- "I waited my whole life/just to see Mephis/Now all I can see/Is you"

Stories of assault and manipulation

2009-10-21T20:37:00.002-06:00

- I think the people you are surrounded by have a profound impact on how you view the world. I'm trying not to let some of mine taint me too much.

- I had a 45 minute conversation today (more accurately I patiently listened to a 45 min rant) from one of my coworkers where I learned all kinds of things about my organization; specifically stories about my boss, my coworkers and some of the background of the place I work. The things she told me were frightening. If true, which I have no reason to believe they're not, I really need to learn to keep my head down. It was story after story of organizational politics, violence, childish inflexibilities, rampant selfishness and general nastiness.

- While the stories made me feel slightly vindicated in the way I've been treated at times since I've been there, I feel overall that listening to the rant could potentially have a very negative impact on me if I don't try and take them with a grain of salt. I need to remember that I haven't heard the other sides of the stories and not lend myself to an attitude of negativity. I've been far too prone to this attitude over the last months and it needs to stop. I'm gonna make it stop.

- In a piece of good news, I finally got a hold of Dr. Gibbons. I have a meeting with her on Friday to have her help me sort out my grad school process. That's a good positive step and will do numbers for helping me soldier through these last couple application steps. I'm excited about the potential to pursue my PhD. Its something that I value, that I want, and that I feel I need to at least try to feel I'm not settling in life for something less than what I'm capable. The pieces are falling into place but I'm doing my best not to get my hopes up yet. Its by no means a lock. Its looking good though.

- Till then...

Rocky Restart

2009-10-20T22:02:00.002-06:00

- I had a good night. By some fluke chance I got to see Rocky Votolato play a show for me, Jessie and about 9 other people. It was incredible. He does a great live show, especially when hes standing a couple feet in front of you asking what you want him to play. Just incredible. Anyone who used to read my blog can understand how exciting this is to me.

- I was reading back on some of my old blog entries earlier tonight. I seemed to have it so much better together back then. Still, I was also a lot more naive back then and had a ton less responsibilities, but I seemed to have a better perspective on things than I do now.

- I'm going to try and make a commitment to myself to update this at least once a week going foward. I think putting things in writing helps me put them in perspective. I've complained quite a bit about how things have been since I graduated and taking a step back will no doubt show me all I have to be thankful for.

- So there it is. Hold me accountable if you like. :)

One Second Please

2009-09-05T22:57:00.002-06:00

I hate what this blog becomes for me sometimes. It acts as an emotional vomit bucket but right now it's just all I've got. Sometimes I just need it out of my system.

- But I mean come on, this is killing me. The joy I had seems all but gone recently replaced by an endless existential crisis, long nights of light and splotchy sleep, new overwhelming worries, miles of red tape, and no light being kind enough to shine out to me at the end of this stupid tunnel. I hate it. It's hard maintaining hopes of improvement when there just seems like there's nothing to look forward to.

- Every time I close my eyes I have a horrible whooshing sensation of my life flashing before my eyes. I feel like there's a sensory overload sparking off in my head and the whole operation is short circuiting. People I haven't spoken to in years rush into my memory out of nowhere. At night when I dream it’s like a random trip back in time causing me to shake my head and wonder "where did that come from" when I wake up only to drift off again somewhere else. I revisit times and places stored deep in my mind and experience myself in contexts I can barely recognize. It's like I'm a completely different person. In some respects I guess I am. The feeling is nauseating. It's deafening and relentless and wearing me out.

- I'm having a rough time tonight and it isn't being helped by this isolation. I normally do a better job of avoiding it but tonight I wasn't able to. I'll just deal. I've had harder nights than this and I almost feel that before anything will get better I've got to confront the reality of things.

- I remember a conversation I had with Kristen, I can't remember how long ago, when she said something that's stuck with me ever since. It was something along the lines of the two of us being people prone to existential nightmares, moodiness, and introspective gluttony. She observed that this trait had the tendency to pull us down and needed an extra dose of determination and purpose to properly overcome and function in a society unforgiving of such inclinations. It was an uncharacteristically frank statement but at the same time one of the most internally controversial ones I can remember that wanders among my inner dialog.

- I can't really argue with the premise. This blog is often evidence of such, but it’s always been something I've done a good job of not properly confronting. My mind can do incredible back flips and cartwheels to convince myself that I'm not actually functioning in a way incompatible with how I believe I should but perhaps it’s high time I suck it up and deal with it. My natural instincts are and always have been to quit, to whine, then to rationalize. Well, it’s got to stop. Mostly because it’s not working anymore.

- I want to run away. I want to shirk my responsibilities and live in fantasy land but that's not the way things work in real life.

God, give me the strength to deal with the things I can, and accept the things I can't. From today, forward.

Tired

2009-09-03T07:15:00.001-06:00

- Who am I kidding. :(

Life and Politics

2009-09-02T20:38:00.002-06:00

- I hate politics. Everything about them.

- While I ate my sandwich tonight, I watched a town hall Q&A session featuring a Maryland Democratic senator. It made me want to gauge my eyeballs out. People in the meeting were asking stupid things and the crowd would hoop and holler after ever statement like they were cheering for a sports team. The senator would dodge every question thrown at him and for her part, Sam (the reason why this garbage was even on the TV) would hurl nasty invectives at people speaking on the screen she didn’t agree with. She would call people she had never met horrible names and wish them fates I wouldn’t hope for my worst enemy. She kept claiming they were just racist and didn’t like having a black president when that clearly had nothing to do with what anybody was talking about.

- I did have a little bit of fun with her making indignant comments I knew she wouldn’t agree with while using a rabble rousing tone. In the heat of the moment she would agree, then a couple seconds later it would hit her what I said and I could tell she felt kind of dumb. Example:

(Someone Sam doesn’t like asks a rambling question about unemployment insurance)
Me: That’s ridiculous. Can’t they see the government’s trying to take their kids from them? Those people need to get their own cars. They’re all just lazy.
Sam: Yeah! ………………………… (long pause) ……………………. wait, what?
Me: (into sandwich) Nom nom nom.

- Politics seem to be all nastiness and often feel like a horrible exercise in futility. I know, it sometimes seems I represent the John the Baptist of politically apathy but in this system, can you really blame me? People drastically over estimate their personal impact on the political scene. I know, discussing health care reform is important, but there are so many more meaningful things in life to worry about that devoting all your emotional energy completely to such a stupid topic is just stupid. Get a life people. Argue politics with your vote and leave it at that. I promise yelling at a TV or each other for that matter isn’t going to win anybody over to your side. Research actually shows it ahs the opposite effect.

- Well, that’s enough on that. I’m being hypocritical spending as much time discussing it as I have.

- Otherwise, life’s been good. I’ve been reading a lot. I peeled through four books in the month of August and have a pretty sweet itinerary lined up for September. I’d like to say they’ve had a good influence on me but they haven’t. It’s only made me want to run away, be more adventurous, do crazy stupid things, and otherwise follow the ridiculous follies I dream up during the slow monotonous hours of my day to day. Someday I guess. I don’t think real life is conducive to living out many of the stories I read but even though I admit that explicitly, the Peter Pan in me holds out that my grand adventure is just around the corner. Maybe it is. Even if I am deluding myself at least its helping me maintain my sanity. Half the fun is the day dreaming.

- So that’s what I’ll do. Just keep on dreaming and living and enjoying the simple things. I’m learning to love my life again. It’s been hard. It really has. To be honest, I may never get that blissful naivety back but there’s really nothing left to do now but move forward. The sun will still rise tomorrow and I’ll still feel the wind on my neck when I step outside. Even if that’s all I’ve got, I’ll be okay. Today, tomorrow, next month, next year, I’ll be okay.

A week later

2009-08-17T20:40:00.002-06:00

- Well, things aren't easy but at least they're starting to move foward. I quit my second job today and plan on focusing on my internship and the GRE's/grad school applications. Chipotle was really understanding, much to my suprise, but there's definately other waves that are being felt from the whole ordeal that will require me to do some patching. I want to move again too, but theres not really a good reason to do it and it doesn't make sense so I won't. I think I just need change, or maybe control over my life again. Things were better the way they were before, but I know they will never be like that again so I'm dealing in ways I can.

- Thanks for all your support. I'm sorry if you've tried to get a hold of me to be there for me and I haven't gotten back to you. Just knowing you're there is enough. I'm dealing with this a day at a time and have had so many people come through for me that it makes me wish I didn't tend to choose to deal with it alone.

- A week later I'm learning its going to be a lonely existance; maybe because my demenor will probably lean slightly towards the lachrymose side for a while and given my already established loner tendancies I may be doing it to myself. I'm trying my best to stay active; I'm making plans with friends I don't typically hang out with and excepting today will try not to be home to often. It still hurts. But there are still times where I hit that place that makes me feel empty and hopeless with no real joy I can find. A day at a time though. Baby steps. The more I focus on my future the less I can dwell.

- Love your life. Even when it sucks its a gift.

Alex

2009-08-09T11:00:00.002-06:00

- I can't believe I'm back here. I was hoping this would be a dark place I'd never have to revisit ever again. This time its one of my best friends.

I'm having a real hard time with this. I don't know why Alex killed himself. I don't know where in his twisted mind he could have distorted whatever situation it was that made him think that it would be a good idea. Its not good enough for me to believe it was guilt over Kelsey or sadness over Mckenna. There had to be something else. Something he keep hidden so deep down inside him that it plowed the rest of us he's leaving behind over like a truck. A curveball from so far out in left field that we didn't even have a time to flinch to lessen some of the blow.

Its hard to see very far beyond this. The obnoxiously casual victims advocate that wouldn't leave me alone last night told me that was one of the symptoms of the shock but I don't see right now how it could be any other way. I don't know whats going to happen next. I can't imagine my life without Alex, without the carefree lighthearted nature he lived his life with, without that linchpin holding together the circus tent of my group of friends. He meant more to me than even I realized and it hurts that he could care so little about us, especially Dustin, to pull the trigger.

Back in 2005 when Linsey killed herself I was able to stay hopeful. To find beauty in it despite the way my soul was twisted and tainted. I can't do that now. This hurts in a deep way that I've never known before. It feels like a horrible nightmare that just isn't ending and the longer it persists the deeper the realizations sink. The hope I had back in 2005 is nowhere in sight. I'm living hour to hour.

But at least I'm living. I'd never give away the gift of this day. I'd never put you through what hes putting me through, what Grandma put my family through, and what Linsey put my floor through freshman year.

I love you. I hope you know that. I wish he knew that.

Is it July?

2009-06-25T20:05:00.003-06:00

- I hate losing things. Hopefully I find this one.

- I'm coming to the end of my first week of working at the internship. I like it though there are times I feel like I really could be doing more than I am. I've started looking around for a second job and plan on canvasing Loveland next week to make it happen. Its a pretty stressful transition I'm undertaking and even though I have quite a bit of time before I really need to get down to business, it feels like I'm running out. Change is tough. I think the situation will be good for me in the long run but for now I feel like I don't have a lot of options. I go between states inspired motivation and exhausted frustration and the good times never seem to last as long as the tough.

- The stresses probably aren't helped any by the fact that I've just been cruel to my body regarding my sleep schedule. I've been having trouble sleeping anyway, but getting in late and waking up as early as I have been just hasn't been a good idea. I plan on catching up a fair amount when I go home this weekend. If nothing else a quick change of scenery might do me well.

- I'll feel better about everything once I've established myself. That little piece of independence I'll gain by providing for myself, however modest, will be a good start and will establish my confidence that I can, in fact, do this. I've renewed my interest in pursuing my PhD and with the experience I'm gathering with the internship I feel better about my odds than ever. I kind of tested the waters asking for some advice from my old professors. Scraping out a living will buy me enough time to get serious and apply in force. I'll have the time and the resources so that's a nice feeling. It gives me some structure, however thin, that I can look forward and plan a little farther into my future. I wish I wasn't so stubborn with the whole thing. I won't feel the same about it unless I can do it myself. I just hope that's not holding me back.

- All in all I've got good things going on. The lessons I'm learning are priceless and are teaching me more, faster, than any time I can really remember. Always the optimist.

Suite E

2009-06-09T23:43:00.003-06:00

- Ahh, the nostalgia of blogging in this old blue chair late at night with the rest of my family in bed. I've come a long way since I started this blog almost five years ago. Things have changed for me in such a dramatic fashion. There are a few people who have been there the whole, even fewer who didn't change too in the process but here I am.

- I have a job offer. Its not completely finalized but its mine to lose. Its nothing I ever expected to be doing 5 years ago but its something I can see myself becoming. Its an intimidating concept, all this change. As I go back and reread some of my more melancholy posts they all seem to have 'change' as the underlying antagonist. I've had things, people, and places in my life I've lost that I loved and cherished so deeply only to be exchanged for new things that I now love and cherish just as much if not more. We're pretty selfish creatures, never wanting to lose the things we have while wanting the things we used to. My freedom will come from accepting the changes, not being afraid of the unknown, and allowing myself to develop regardless of the come and gone. Its tough though and the bad economy doesn't make it any easier.

- And when it all comes full circle and I take things into a hard perspective, I always remember how blessed I've been. I hope I never lose sight of that and become that little spoiled stepchild I know I have the potential to be.

- My friends are great, my family is strong, my girlfriend is loving, and my future is wide open. I pray none of that ever changes and if it does to accept the unchangeable for what it is.

Braaaaaiiins.

2009-05-12T21:00:00.004-06:00

- My body is confused. I've been fighting off a weird flu thing that seems to flair up at night so I really haven't been sleeping well the last week or so. Throw in a noisy neighbor and 7 am final and you get about 4 good hours of sleep last night. So you'd think after I got back from the test I'd be tired. Nope. I felt as wide awake as ever.

- Even still I figured it'd probably be good to lay down a bit. 5 and half hours late I awoke from the dead.You can barely call an almost 6 hour nap a nap since for some people that's a good nights sleep. Let me tell you though, its a confusing thing to wake up from that and see its the late afternoon. There are times where I feel so alive I can hardly contain it. This was not one of them. I feel like a zombie.

- When this unusual feeling adds to the surreal truth that I'm graduating soon with no clear picture of my future it equals a really weird feeling. I did great this semester. I finished strong. I only have to show up to my last two finals with a pulse and I can claim a 4.0 for my senior year. Am I happy with where I am? I don't know. I've got no clear answer for that right now. I should be and I probably will be, but right now I want something else. What? I don't know. I find it soon I hope.

Finals Week

2009-05-11T12:47:00.002-06:00

- Man, I'm having a really hard time focusing on studying. Its seems like I'd rather be doing anything else in the world. No matter where I go I keep getting distracted. Even this blog entry is just a result of procrastination and putting off the inevitable. And its only Monday. Oh Lord.

- Its been a week and a weekend full of lasts. My last college class, last time hanging out here or there, last Tuesday night at old cees, last few days in the library etc. Its surreal. Kimbre's graduation on Saturday made me excited for whats to come. Things are as much in the air now as they've ever been but I'm finally reaching the point where I don't care. I just want to be done with this chapter. The worlds gonna keep on turning at the same speed when I graduate this Saturday and if my past is any indicator I'll end up where I'm supposed to be and I'll find happiness there until things have to change yet again.

Gruuuh

2009-05-04T22:24:00.004-06:00

- Ouch. Finals are hitting me like a truck and I've still got a week left til they officially start. I've got a boat load to do and I'm quickly running out of will power to do it all. Doesn't help that I'm getting sick. What started out as scratch in the back of my throat now feels like a layer of mucus that won't be coughed out. I think its the swine flu. Or the plauge. Or maybe even some horrible mix of the two. I'm doomed.

- I hope I do good on my finals. I've put myself in a pretty good position for straight A's again which would be simply wonderful. Even if I don't end up needing them it'd be nice that I proved to myself that when I put my mind to it I can do it.

- Oh man, so much is gonna happen over this next month. My cozy little college worlds gonna implode on me. Lets see what spits out the other side.

BACK!

2009-04-30T22:56:00.004-06:00

Hey creepishly loyal fans! That line seems to be compulsitory for blogs that come back after a long hiatus. I think I'm going to try and start writing in here again, even if its just another one of those, keep it up for a week then drop it like a flaming cement brick covered in dog poop kind of things.

Things are going alright for me. Graduation from college is literally two weeks away and my future is looming ever closer towards me. I've had some other opportunities come up but it seems like I live in the perpetual state of waiting followed by dissapointment. I wish I could say for certain where I'm going to be; even in two months, but I can't. Its frustrating that the crystal ball gets so cloudy so quick, but I'll make it. Maybe with an ulcer to show but I'll make it.

I have a horrible sense of dread that I've been trying to shake all day. I'm honestly not sure specifically for what, but its been pretty miserable. I think its just one of those things but I really need something good to start happening for me quick. I know I'll end up somewhere and that I should just take things one at a time, but I'm probably at the peak of the point in my life where its impossible for me to take that advice. Maybe just the focus that I'll be able to comit to my future once I graduate is all I need. Its the biggest change I've ever encountered and it really feels like it.

Its all surreal, it really is. All I've known my entire life is school. The fact that I'm almost at the top of that mountain is intimidating because it feels like it should all be leading towards something, I just don't know what.

Anyway, cheers! It feels good to write again. :) You owe me one Kimbre.

2009-01-29T23:07:00.002-07:00

- This future thing is kind of scary. :/

Folksy

2008-12-04T23:35:00.003-07:00

- I-tunes, you did good. The genius feature works better than I could have ever imagined. It connected me and burning hole money in my bank account to the best fit sad folk music there can be found, even by pandora.

- The 'Thunder Road' cover by Hayward Williams got me good in addition to the other 10 songs I've bought so far. The itunes giftcard I got myself with the bestbuy gift card the Ingrams gave me is boss. Great b-day gift. Kind of unfair to anyone actually gifting for me thanks to the personalization it allows. If I ever meet someone that matches my weird unique music taste and gave me a mix CD like the one I made with the gift card, I'll marry her on the spot. Mmm mmm good. I love music.

to 10

2008-10-22T23:54:00.002-06:00

Relax. Deep breaths. I can do this. Its not the first time. Looks like history shows it won't be the last. I'll give it a couple weeks and see where its at. I've never honestly believed in the power of a nights sleep when its slipping away but these are my options.

So far so good.

2008-10-01T21:09:00.003-06:00

- I'm sucessful. I'm taking on more than I ever had and I'm handling it. I've figured out the balance between everything asking of me and its real encouraging. This is supposed to be the peak of my undergratuate demands and its nice to know that all along all I needed was to put my mind to it. My only regret is that I hadn't started sooner. Being on top of things makes me happy and its a smooth consistent calm that is much better than the reward and consequence life early college afforded me.

- Nothing else to really write about, I just wanted to post something positive for once.

Motivation and Me

2008-09-13T00:19:00.003-06:00

- I debated for a second or two if I should keep this post private as I have for some or publish it and came to the conclusion it didn't make a difference either way. However, the disclaimer is that its rambly, a dose whiney, and in no way a picture of the whole, just a piece. Just working through it all anyway I can. When times are good I don't have time to post which is really a shame. Anyways...

- Catharsis. I need some. Every week its more of the same. I've changed over these last four months or so, I know it and I see it and I think its a good thing, but its hard justifying what I used to accept without consequence. I think its right but man, instant gratification isn't in high supply with such a lifestyle. Filling my potential drains my nerves and builds up exhaust that I have a lot more trouble getting rid of without just throwing the rest of my focus out the window.

- My life sometimes seems very Skinneristic lately. I'm that rat yanking on that bar convinced if I do it enough times, that little food pellet will drop. When it does I eat it up, but times like now when the work is thick, the weekends are draining, and life feels like a treadmill makes me wish I could just know if its all worth it cause if its all for nothing more than this thin little sense of accomplishment, it'll ruin me.

- I'm glad Britt and I found time the other day between all the demands and school and deadlines and work (or for her, during work) to sit down, eat lunch and just talk and listen, like really listen to each other. We complained and bragged and worried and got excited that even while it seems impossible, we can do it. As different as we are externally, we really have a lot in common, more so now than ever. We seem to be mirrors of each other in our obnoxious pre/post college predicament. It was a fluke that we were able to get together, yet the emotional release was much more helpful than it appeared. I need that. I need the encouragement and I've been looking for it anyway I can. The letters of rec that have been coming in have been a life saver. Concrete examples of how hard work over my life hasn't been forgotten.

- I just wish sometimes that I didn't have to be superman to keep all this up. Academically, professionally, in my extra curriculars, in my research, in my application to the Air Force, all weighed against my sociality and sanity. The balance is hard to find. I can tell when the proportion is off cause the consequences show themselves fast. I just can't do it all sometimes. Sometimes I can't do anything period. It brings me down fast, shows me my inadequacies. There are times where I just flat out fail. I'm not Superman. I'm not even Mighty Mouse. I'm scared to death people will realize just how true that is.

- I'm sad I can't write here like I used to. Ignorance is no longer bliss for me though and facing facts hasn't come cheap. I'm stuck here in September. Both a step forward and a step back show relief but for how fleeting time is it sure does linger on times you wish it wouldn't.

- No catharsis in writing either but at least I tried. I need a vacation from it all. Who doesn't though, right? My pellet will drop. Just gotta keep on pushing.

To Need or not to Need

2008-08-25T08:45:00.003-06:00

- My blogging has been waining a bit recently. One part lack of time, two parts lack of interest, one part need for privacy, and the rest is that I'm just not seeing at as necessary I have before. A lots been happening, don't get me wrong, but its the kind of stuff that I just need to take care of, not talk about.

- School starts today. We'll see if it picks up. My money is on no.

12%

2008-08-12T21:41:00.002-06:00

- Hmm... A little more research tells me this may be a little bit harder than I expected. I'm not afraid of the challenge, I guess I'm just more afraid of what happens if things don't go well and as time passes I begin to realize that they very well may not. I'm glad I'm finding this out now though. Gives me time to develop a backup plan. I think I'm growing up. This initiative is something I never would have initiated a few years ago.

- Sorry, still haven't updated info I hinted toward in the last post. Cats out the bag though so all thats left now is documentation.

Its getting old Mr. TV

2008-08-07T20:21:00.002-06:00

- This has been one of the craziest days of my life. Some good news, some bad news, some pain in the butt news. I have to spare the details to avoid spoiling any suprises so instead I'll talk about something equally important.

- Until Jeff gets his real TV up to Fort Collins, we have a temporary setup of two 20 or so inch sets right next to each other. This isn't a new idea, I worked the same situation earlier in my college years. It provides the advantage of video games on one TV and and cable on the other, or in the event of football season, two games on side by side. So if this has been done before, who cares right?

- I do cause both TVs are on the same remote control frequency meaning when I try to turn on one, they both turn on. The novelty of having one on and one off and switching them back and forth with the remote's power button ran out quickly and now its just annoying. I only want them both on about 20% of the time but my remote doesn't agree. Its lead to me having to get off my fat butt and turn one on or off manually, totally blowing the advantage of a remote control. They're a unit as far as it's concerned. The two TVs aren't even the same brand, why are the working off the same remote? Whats with that?

Passing

2008-07-31T01:47:00.002-06:00

I'm going down to sleep on the bottom of the ocean
because I couldn't let go when the water hit the setting sun
passing white daisies taking turns
close the door walk into the street
catching raindrops on your tongue
and for a minute it all stops but it won't last man
it's just a passing moment gone
please slow it down

Sunset over Colorado Springs

2008-07-30T01:10:00.002-06:00

- Zoom. Just like that July is almost over. I got back to Aurora from Ardmore, OK where I spent about ten days with Kimbre and her family for her brothers wedding. I'll spend about a day down here then head back up to Fort Collins to get my apartment all aranged. After that is work and blah blah blah. Lots of stuff. Its been a whirlwind of a month but its been good. I ended up getting to go to the Rocky Votolato concert in exchange for about 6 hours of sleep but it was worth every second. He was everything I hoped and more and I walked away with a signed vinyl and and experience I'll cherish for a good while.

- I planned on this being a detailed blog about all thats gone on but I'm aproaching 22 straight hours awake after a rough nights sleep so it may just have to wait till I have time to write it down in the physical notebook. I'm really happy though. My life's still good and I still have a ton to look foward to. Still.

High in the 90s

2008-07-17T10:17:00.003-06:00

- Sand is everywhere. In my bed, in my computer chair, in my hair, on the floor, in my buttcrack. Ok, well not that one, a shower fixed that problem. It wasn't until just now that I realized I was still wearing the same pants I played volleyball in last night and because of this I'm like a walking sand shaker leaving grains wherever I go. I'm making a mess.

- I really enjoyed volleyball last night. Even though this July has been marked as more of transitionary month with the impending move only a day away and a big portion of my time has been devoted to sorting out things with that, I've still gotten a good summer experience out of it. My entire life I haven't giving summer due credit. I'm more of a fall kind of guy but I've been enjoying it more than normal this year. Its those little moments that define themselves as summer moments that have added a little boost to my overall mood this month. Watching the fireworks after a wild 18-17 Rockies game, seeing the sun shines through the trees down the Poudre river while tubing in the later afternoon, the aura of old town fort collins crowded with people during Brewfest, sitting on the roof launching fireworks into the warm night sky, lazy afternoons with Kimbre, sitting with the cat in the back yard as he chases around bees, the incredible sunsets over horsetooth casting sending rays through the dust from our volleyball games. It makes me happy just thinking about it.

- Its good that these things are giving me distractions from a costant cycle of packing, moving, and cleaning. But really, it hasn't even been so bad. The whole process has been very nostalgic for me. As I sorted through things that I hadn't looked at in almost two years when I moved into this house that once held high sentimental value for me, I couldn't help but trace my memories back to their origins and take a good hard look at where I've been. Its fun. I'll probably go through the same process as I go through them again to decide which I'm going to hang back up and select a few that I will get rid of for good, just to make my future moving process a little easier.

- Bring it on August.

What You Give

2008-07-09T23:26:00.002-06:00

- Hmm... Maybe this actually will all come together. The weekend is looking more promising than originally thought, hopefully getting the apartment all squared away and if I'm lucky having a little bit of fun with the rest of time. Hopefully.

- I've been watching a lot of war movies recently. I'm not sure why I started but I'm really enjoying them. It reminds me of being a kid when my dad got back from the Gulf War. It reminds me of scouring the shelves of the public library looking for anything and everything I could get my hands on every Civil War, then WWI, then WWII book I could find. It reminds me of running around my apartment pretending I was in some crazy battle. It reminds me of making grand plans of joining the Marines when I turned 18. I'm glad I grew out of that one.

- I have a lot of respect for members of the military. Choosing to serve your country very rarely comes at no cost even if you never see combat. You put a lot of your personal ambitions on hold. Friends of mine in the military that serve without complaining of things they've given up and with no resentment for opportunities they may have forgone hold a special piece of my respect. In Jarhead, Jamie Fox's character was talking to Jake Gyllenhaal's charater and listing all the things he could have had if he didn't join the Marines; a six figure salary, spending everynight with his wife, a company truck, among many others. But he wasn't complaining because in his words, "I. Love. This. Job." I respect that. Its something to be admired and its the kind of selflessness I hope to have one day.

Positive Pride

2008-07-06T22:13:00.002-06:00

- I had an awesome fourth of july weekend. It was ideal in that I walked away with a greater apreciation for my friends, my family, and my country. The weekend gave me a lot to look foward to in many aspects and that fact leaves me satisfied. Everything went smooth all weekend and now I'm pooped. So I'm signing off. God bless America.

The Meaning of Life?

2008-07-01T19:49:00.003-06:00

- My notebook journaling recently has been going great. There’s something cathartic in just writing down my thoughts exactly as they are unfiltered. It’s nice having those things recorded too. I've had a good time throughout my life going back and reading my old entries, especially the ones from that journal and reliving how things were back then. Its healthy for me too, those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it.

- I miss Kimbre a lot. She’s camping with her upward-bound kids in Rocky Mountain National Park. No cell phone service there but I got to talk to her when I got off of work while she was in town which was really nice. My count up clock on my desktop says that we've been dating 200 days today. There’s no particular meaning to this landmark beyond just putting in perspective how far we've come. Things are going good with her. I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.

- I don't understand myself sometimes. I'm an awkward mix of a lot of seemingly contradictory things. Social nature with loner tendencies. Love of faith and love of science. Excited about both my past and my future. And the one that really confuses a lot of people that get to know me real well; my cynicism despite my optimism. I can find good in almost any situation. Almost, there’s been a few times where its been hard for me but even then time offers a little insight into how God’s plan worked itself out like it was supposed to. But still, my belief in the power of an individual is weak at best. Everyone can't make a noticeable difference in the world. It’s unrealistically idealistic in a planet filled with billions of people to think that. Most people, like extras in a movie, are going to not matter much and chances are both you and I are in that number. Just like in a play not everyone can be the star. People are so eager for self-importance that the thought that, on the global scale, they're completely insignificant is crushing. Your vote, your recycled bottle, your donation, your opinion; none of them matter on a global or even national level.

- Very cynical I know, but it doesn't mean any of that is meaningless. Instead of the big picture I think people need to focus more on the medium picture; on the individuals that you do touch with your life. People sometimes need to pull their heads out of the clouds before they can really do any good. Your family, your friends, the girl you love, those that look up to you and learn from you. These people are where meaning lies. They represent your legacy and only through them can you become as big as your potential.

- This blog is a great example of my whole point. I don't have a huge readership, I know this. I'd be kind of creeped out if I did considering a lot of the content is personal issues with little effect on many others. But there are those who do; 20 or so people I can think of off the top of my head who have told me they read it somewhat consistently. And even though none of the things I write will be headlines, I don’t need them to be. As long as it adds something to your day I'm satisfied. My effect on history won't be huge, but if it’s positive I consider it all worth it.

- So, in a winding, round about, tangential kind of way, I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you. If you're in my life you matter to me, probably more than you know.

Rock me like no other

2008-06-26T10:55:00.002-06:00

- I'm such a sucker for a waltz one-three time in folk music. Some of the songs that I've fallen in love with recently are evidence of this like The Road by Matt the Electrician. On an unrelated song I also been loving songs about the open road. Its funny the effect music can have in stirring around a mood. Most of the music I listen to I connect to various events in my life when they spoke to me either by chance or on purpose.

- My summer's been interesting recently, really good but interesting. The people that have come into my weeks and weekends and the things that are happening to them give me interesting perspective on myself past and future.

- The month of July is approaching fast and its going to be busy to say the least. I often relate my life to driving an manual transmition. July, in this metaphor, will be a shift; up or down I don't know yet. Lets hope my clutch handles it smoothly.

This is talk radio, eight fifty KOA.

2008-06-16T21:57:00.002-06:00

- Recently I've been utilizing time I have left over after I finish a mail run at work to journal in my old notebook. So, future Jay, if you're reading through, thats where you've been spilling your guts and thats where you should look to to find the rest of the story. Its pretty easy to find where I picked up. All of this assuming, of course, that I'm diligent in writing in it, something history shows I'm inconsistent in at best. Its been good for me though, the privacy and ineditability of the medium gives me interesting perspectives on my thought processes. The entries have mirrored a stream of conciousness style of writing which makes it hard to follow, but a lot of more theraputic in the end. I hope I keep it up. Some of the most inciteful things I ever wrote were in the old entries back in 2003 and I find something new about myself every time I pick through them.

- Anyway, I'm not gonna stop writing here all together. I just may limit the number of personal entries which are always nebulous and emo anyway.

- Today, in place of my cds or perfered radio stations, I switched it to the AM frequency and picked around a bit. One of my favorite parts of the day is when at 1:00 when I start my afternoon run and get the NPR news report. This afternoon, I figured the news was a few pundits short of talk radio so I gave it a shot.

- The result was that I was blown away at how stupid our nation can be when the issue of public policy and politics arose. I listened to Rush Limbaugh arrogantly call himself the "Kingmaker of the Republican party," I heard a man calling himself "the progressive voice of talk radio" call McCain an "evil lying racist," I heard Hannity plug six different corporations in the rare moments his show wasn't on commercial, and I heard some liberal crone respond to a well researched thought-out soundbyte from Alan Greenspan criticizing Obama's foreign financial policy with the "equally" well thoughtout response of "hes a stupidhead" followed by the example of how her mom asked her (a well off radio host btw) for some gas money as an example for why financial life in America is almost unlivable thanks to Bush.

- Every station on both sides of the political spectrum (if you could call it that through the limited selection of polarized crap) was littered with loud mouth fear mongering coupled with argumentative falacy after falacy. It seemed everything any of them said worked more effectively in mind as an argument for the opposite side. Yet, like watching a train wreck, I couldn't stop listening. It taught me so much about why it seems nobody can be really reasonable about anything anymore and it made me laugh, literally laugh out loud (lol) at the absolute ludicracy of it all.

- Our country is getting dumber everyday and its everyones fault. I wish people could just shut up for a second and think about things reasonably, maybe decide their vote for themselves and leave it at that.

- I hate politics.

Cooperstown Shoo-in

2008-06-09T22:18:00.004-06:00

- Baseball, nay sports great, Ken Griffey Jr. hit his 600th homerun today. He did it without steriods. He did it without complaining. He did it without showboating. He did it on a salary that was lower than he could have gotten had he played for an east coast giant. He did it with his dad. He did it for the love of the game, for the love of his city, for the love of his family. I'm proud to say I got to see him hit one of them in his hometown in his home ball park, though not the big one. Thats pretty cool. If you can't tell Griffey's my favorite athlete of all time. I remember watching him play as a young kid. I remember saving up my money for months so I could buy Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball for supernintendo. And I can't remember ever losing respect for him. He's the prototypical example of what an athlete and a man should be. I know he'll never see this little love letter I wrote, but congratulations. I hope you keep playing and hitting them out of the park for years to come.

Giantism

2008-06-08T17:43:00.004-06:00

- I love it. The weekends are long but feel short, the sun is shining and really I don't have a care in the world. I'm not taking it for granted. Any of it. I'm thankful and I should be. I've been dealt a pretty good hand.

- Its all happening so fast. I hope don't miss anything.

Full Time Summer

2008-06-02T22:45:00.003-06:00

- Summer is a beautiful thing. The idea that I've grown tired of college life and am ready to start looking for something a bit more substantial would have been deplorable to Jay from as recent as a year ago. But I'm getting there. I need to find a career that I can leave at work and be able to relax when I get home like I'm able to this summer. I'm not sure our society is going to grant me my wish. I don't think theres much worth doing that you can let go of completely when its finished but it can't hurt to look.

- I'm glad it wasn't a big deal to me. The fact that its not is another thing slightly younger Jay couldn't imagine but its good. Different for sure but I've changed and am changing a lot. Ships are sailing.

- Another full day of work tomorrow so goodnight.

All at Once

2008-05-30T12:05:00.003-06:00

- Roles are changing right in front of me. Its a beautiful but at the same time a really scary thing. I can imagine my fall to the very detail but I press on anyway. I'm feel like my life is some stupid cliff hanger tv show like 24 or Lost that never seems to resolve itself but still I'm strapped with curiousity as to whats gonna happen next. Its cool. Thats the way life should be.

- I spent the weekend down in Pueblo celebrating Brice's bachlor party, hanging out with Kimbre's family and staying for her home birthday barbeque. After that I spent a couple days at home with my family goofing around and getting nothing done and really, it all makes me not want to go back to work on Monday.

- I took Kimbre out for her 22nd birthday yesterday and man did she look nice. I don't think I told her as much as I should have. Its incredible the way she is still able to floor me with her beauty after how long we've been together. And its more than just the way she looks. Its the effect she has on me. I can't explain it but its powerful and really something special. There's only so much control I have over the situation but I have faith this is something God provided for me and I hope its in His plan that I get to keep it.

- I'm going camping tonight with the old crew up in our usual spot in Estes. Cliff, Stephen, John, Jared, Jordan, Austin, Cole, and Jeff are all rumored to be there and with a group like that you know its going to be a good time.

- I'm a little bit depressed. I fell in love on Tuesday but had to let her go. She was beautiful. Spanish made. Gold plated fret board with ivory tuning knobs. The body was a deep rich oak and the sound overwhelmed me from across the room when I first heard her being played. I waited my turn to play and spent a good hour playing her in the humidifed room at guitar center. I checked the price and it was in reach, on sale for 299$, cut from the original listed price of about 700. I've been in the market for a good classical guitar and it was nail on the head what I wanted. I made a deal with myself though. If its still there in a month when I will have more than enough to buy it I'll buy it. A guitar like that though at a price like that my hopes aren't too high.

- So really, nothing of substance in this post. I'm exhausted and that could be contributing to it. Its been an amazing summer so far and only looks to get better.

Broseph

2008-05-28T00:49:00.003-06:00

- This summer's keeping me real busy. Busier even on my week off from work than the first week of summer where I was working full time. Its good though. I'm happy. Hopefully not just distracted but even if I am thats a stupid thing to dwell on. Maybe I'll find a chance to update. Or maybe I'll go back to a paper journal that is a little less reliant on me being internet accessible. The old school writing has its advantages but so does this thing. We'll see. I hope to update soon regardless. Theres a lot going on that I want to remember.

Francis improves to 1-4

2008-05-19T22:51:00.002-06:00

- Summer's here. And its hot. Like really hot. Jeans were a poor choice for work today. I learned my lesson though. It would have been nice if they had the insight to close the doors and turn on the air conditioning earlier than with five minutes left to 4. Its good though. Today was the first shift longer than 4 hours, not counting camp, that I've worked since high school and it went pretty well. I like my job and it goes by pretty quick since I stay busy during the chunk of my day that would probably be given to sleep and maybe a bike ride or two if I wasn't working. The money is going to be nice too. Its fun that I can buy most things that I want and I still have cash left over. It seems that these days there are less material things that I actually want in the first place and my impulsive spending habits of high school have given way to responsible spending.

- In other news we have a cat now. We've actually had him for a couple weeks now. He followed Kimbre and Chrissy home and they were having trouble finding a place for him so we ended up taking him. We named him Tulo after injured Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitzki. He can be a handful at times but overall its really rewarding having a pet. I'm training him to kill.

- Things with Kimbre are good. We had some problems over a pretty petty miscommunication this weekend which made the start a little rocky but after we were done freaking each other out and realized how stupid the whole thing was we ended up having a really great weekend together. It was the kind of weekend that lingers in your mind even after its over. At the Rockies game Sunday with her, Jeff, and Chrissy, I had one of the moments that come ever now and then where you just sit there and soak up how good life is. The Rockies were winning, it was a beautiful summer afternoon, we were behind home plate but high enough that we were also in the shade and having no classwork to worry about was the cherry on top. Kimbre and I are coming up on half a year soon. Crazy how the time can fly.

- A few more days of work then I get a week off to really start this summer off right. I'm excited. I really am.

Crash Test

2008-05-15T08:17:00.005-06:00

- I had a very vivid dream last night and when I woke up this morning this poem wrote itself in my mind. It was one of those dreams where I'm halfway between conciousness and sleep and I wake up feeling as if it had actually happened and confusion hits me when I realize it didn't. Well, here it is:

-------------

Crash Test

--------------

He calmly waits

With furrowed brow

Clenching tightly to the letter

Sand up his legs

Hes happy now

The car pulls up

He sits on down

And through the countryside they wind

Around the bend into the town

Engulfed, however, in this letter

Oblivious to all around

A hope in him things will get better

Thats when they hit

The screeching sound

The violent jerk

It all slows down

Thrown from his seat

The airbag pops

Twisted metal

A sudden stop

Smoke in the air

His letter gone

The whole thing caught him unaware

Bandages around his head

He wakes up in the hospital

His mother presumed him dead

But up he stands inside this room

"I feel just fine, I want to go"

"Lay down my son, you're badly hurt

Relax a while, you'll be better soon"

Instead he grabs his clothes

Walks out the door

And runs back to the town

Bandages wrap his head no more

The cars are gone but not the glass

Still traffic moves just as before

Defeated he falls down on the grass

"The letters gone"

What could he do?

He needed it

He needed you

For years and years

He wouldn't drive

Never did he get too far

From the only place that he felt alive

The crash had more than corpal cost

The world moved on while still he sat

As if he died, he still felt lost

But then one day he got out of bed

Walked out the door holding his keys

Despite a ringing in his head

He sat on down behind the wheel

Turned the keys and drove away

Through the canyon trail he rode

Simply soaking in the day

The first time in years he felt alive

The pistons churning

The gear in five

The sun was warm

The wheel was hot

He was reborn

The corner blind

The driver drunk

Back from the war

Who would have thunk

Crossing the line

The breakpads squeeled

In one quick motion

He jerked the wheel

Off the road his car did slide

Hanging over the countryside

His fate uncertain

His future there

Was hanging with him

By a hair

His life had passed him by

Afraid to live

Afraid to die

Are you happy now?

2008-05-11T22:19:00.005-06:00

I'll use the rubber on my shoes to erase all that I've done

And if I just keep adding miles and miles I can erase all I've done wrong

Some people write their novels with ink and a ball point pen

But I'll use the rubber on my shoes til the streets and rivers end

- Another great weekend. They seem to be becoming more frequent and more consistent. I never saw this coming, but I wouldn't trade it for hardly anything. Those times where I just lay there absorbed in my moment floor me and my normal overactive mind concedes to my happiness. Pure, simple, unadulterated, unevaluated happiness.

- I'll update soon I promise. I just need to get through finals first. I have things I want to talk about as soon as I can find the time.

The People

2008-05-07T09:55:00.002-06:00

- I feel safe again. I'm not sure if thats a good thing or not. I can be a creature of habits. My habits are comfortable and familiar and give me control, even if for just a little bit. They may hold me back from developing into who I really should be though. I've found the greatest things in my life have come from me living outside of my box for a time. Doing so has gotten me beat up and bruised a bit but its usually worth it. Its just a tiring thing to maintain all the time. This hypothetical box should begin to shift a little right? I should be finding a new box. Maybe not. I don't know.

- A week from now I'll be done with school. I can't wait. Dead week has, for better or worse, been a taste of summer so far with all the nice weather and free time to do what I want. Its really nice. Old Chicago's last night was a long time coming. We stayed later than we normally do, half cause Brittany and Julie were late and half cause we just lost track of time. Our favorite waiters Dan and Bryan even made fun of us being us past our bedtime. We hate them but adore them at the same time. Its fun being a regular there. It really helps in the sense of home here in Fort Collins.

- I've got something to look foward to every night this week. Sweet.

The kind of moments

2008-05-02T23:25:00.002-06:00

- I didn't think it'd feel as good as it does to be home. It feels really good. I know I bought Jenna's love with a late birthday gift in the form of a computer game, but it still pretty cool to have her waiting anxiously for me to get home. The ride home with Jessie was good. We had a good talk about this and that, really just a lot of me ranting. Its good to rant every now and then. Organized thought gets exausting. My family cracks me up and I love them. I miss being here.

- And then there was the nostalgia. There's always nostalgia when I come back to Aroura. I start thinking about growing up here in this house and all things I've gone through and experienced. Jessie asked me on the way home whatever happened to Audra and telling her the part of the story she didn't know really got me thinking about how far I've come since then; how much has happened to me and all the people, Audra on, that have had a hand in shaping me. I don't know why I do it to myself. These trips through my past are getting old. I read into things way too much. I always think about the what if and the maybe's and possibilities, no matter how unlikely. A perfectly harmless statement. A stupid hypothetical. Its all a waste of time. Been there done that. It doesn't take much to get me going but its been getting easier to get me to stop. I think thats a good sign that I'm back in control of things. I'm a control freak.

- Two more weeks until school is out for the summer including finals. Just one week for Kimbre. She and I have big plans and all the free time I'll finally have is something to really look foward to. My boss at the mail center is carving out my hours for this summer which accomodate my request for Fridays off giving me a three day weekend every week. I'll probably be driving a lot since Rod is starting chemo in a couple weeks. I hope it all goes well for him. Cancer has really shown him he has a lot that he wants to live for. He'll be fine. Hes a fighter. He told me yesterday that it'll take more than a "little lump in his neck" to stop him from watching his daughter grow up. I also agreed to keep working on the psychological research study I'm helping out with now into May. The whole thing has been pretty low key and not too demanding to date so I don't mind helping out a little bit longer. Dr. Byrne is a great connection to have and this study has really helped me get a foot in the door with her. Really, I'm just ready for summer to be here. Things aren't bad now but the chance to slow down and breath will be nice.

- Just a chance to breath. Thats it. Lifes good.

2008-04-28T22:10:00.004-06:00

Lullaby

by Pedro the Lion

The sun shines

Leaves blow

And my hope like autumn is turning brown

I know it seems like I am always falling down

But it does not matter to me

Although it seems like it should

It is because I know I am understood when I hear Him say

Rest in me little david

And dry all your tears

You can lay down your armor

And have no fear

Cause I'm always here

When you're tired of running

I'm all the strength that you need

It's up hill both ways

Tomorrow I swear I won't act this way

I know it seems like that is what I always say

You know I want to be like Jesus

But it seems so very far away

When will I learn to obey

Lighthearted

2008-04-27T20:31:00.004-06:00

- I'm sorry for the somewhat serious tone this blog has been picking up for awhile now. If you ever hang out with me you probably know I tend not to take things as seriously as my writing may make it seem. If anything my lack of seriousness gets me in trouble. I like to reiterate here every now and then that no one should ever really take any of this crap I spew to heart. My writing is more of an intellectual garbage can that I come to when I have useless thoughts I need to dump. In other words, if you really wanna know something about me, don't try digging through my garbage.

- Speaking of garbage, the Rockies really need to bench Manny Corpas for awhile until he relearns how to pitch. Being a Rockies fan has been a heartbreaking affair so far this season. Reverse a few major chokes and we could be sitting on one of the best records in the major leagues. Its alright though. I've found a new passion in baseball this year thats been a good light hearted distraction for me. Jeff and I went to the CSU-CU games yesterday and today and it was wonderful. The sun was shining and a breeze was blowing. We just sat there watching baseball, relaxing and talking about life and reminising on stories from a life growing up playing sports. And even better is that I've found the time to really brush up on my sunflower seed eating technique. I've can consistently handle two seeds at a time, cracked and spit, and next chance I get I'm going to give three a shot.

- Its gonna be a good week.

Moments

2008-04-26T18:03:00.003-06:00

- I'm happy right now. I had a good week with my friends and a great weekend with Kimbre. These are the kind of moments that I tend to take advantage of as hard as I try not to. The kind of moments that haunt you when they're gone. If you saw me right now you probably couldn't tell that I'm actually in a good mood cause I've been napping all afternoon and I feel like I got hit by a bus but its all good. I'll wake up eventually.

- I'm really vulnerable right now and that scares the crap out of me. It wouldn't take much to shake my foundations and its not a position I'm used to. Typically I try and keep myself in spot where I've got nothing to lose and everything to gain so that if things turn bad I can cut and run. But either out of increased maturity or stupidity I just keep building my little tower higher and higher. The view keeps getting better but so does the potential fall.

- But you know what? If tragedy does enter my life and I lose it all I won't regret anything.

Hazy

2008-04-22T20:36:00.002-06:00

- I just hit a new low point in my life. I haven't really had time to sit down and eat a good meal in awhile and the bum sitting near me in the library has Little Debbie swiss rolls and a stack of Pringles wannabe lays chips. For a split second before I could stop it I imagined myself asking if I could have some. I'm hungry. Sue me.

- I miss getting enough food on regular basis. Is summer here yet?

- I miss sleeping well too. Sleepings been weird for me recently. I've been having a lot of really weird but profound dreams recently. If I don't dream I sleep like a baby. It seems that at night recently I often don't give myself enough time to just lay there, chew over my day and give proper time to whatever's on my mind and when I don't, I pay for it. Some dreams are kind of fun but there are others that are on things that touch my nerves and I either wake up depressed, angry, or confused. I sort through it all but man, I wish it'd stop.

- I sometimes feel like I'm living a dream. My life's nothing fancy but to me its extraordinary. Sometimes it seems like I feel like I'm outside of it all looking in. Other times I feel alive and in the moment. Those are the best. The moments I feel like my senses are on fire and that worse comes to worse nothing could take it all away from me. They're rare but they're beautiful though they aren't always fun.

- But really I just think a lot of my out of mind moments come from me being tired. I hope thats it. I guess unless I start going to bed at a more decent hour I won't know. Thats my lesson to learned here.

The April Blahs

2008-04-17T18:39:00.002-06:00

- I'm burnt out on school. This semester has flown by and dragged by at the same time. College is great but right now I'm at a point where I just can't wait to graduate. There are times between work, school, research and everything else that I feel like I'm working full time for an income that can't even come close to supporting a survivable lifestyle. I see friends of mine who didn't go to school that are making a great living compared to me, even if not compared to college graduates. I know in the long term my degree is going to net me much more than had I gone straight to the work force, but there are times where I feel humiliated that I can't support myself and instead place a financial burden on my parents. It sucks given the amount of work that I do over the course of a week that I can't live that the grown up that I'm becoming. Its kind of funny that this whiney little rant comes a time where I've got more spending money and excess cash than I have in awhile. It helps that I'm becoming a little more grown up with my spending habits.

- I think a big source of my frustration is from boredom. I need a class that will just kick my butt while keeping me interested at the same time to get me excited about learning again. Right now every class I have but my Sensation and Perception class is nothing more than things I already know repackaged and returned to me with in the form of 'buzz' definitions and overly ornate buisness theories that explain chunks of general common sense.

- Its all okay though. In less than a month I'll be done with class and will start a summer that will be packed with good times and endless opportunities. I'm mentally tired. I need it.

Another stupid random thoughts post.

2008-04-17T00:20:00.005-06:00

- Ahh. Late night posts. I miss these. I do them a lot more commonly when I'm home and its quiet sitting in that big blue recliner where I've done some of my best thinking over the years. I hope when my parents decide to upgrade recliners, so like in 40 years, that they let me have it. That stupid chair means a lot to me. But alas I'm in Fort Collins and while nice, this computer desk settup isn't remarkably comfortable so I end up cutting a lot of these short just cause I get tired and my bed is about 4 feet away inviting me to a rollercoaster of dreams that have given me some great stories in the past. I have a feeling that won't be a huge problem tonight.

- So heres what I've been thinking about:

- I love my friends and am lucky to have some of my best living in the same house with me. The three of us make each other laugh and keep each other busy. Jared texted me out of mid air today and when I got the chance we chatted and something in his style of communication made me feel like he was right here with me instead of in Aurora. Tiff called. I was playing football so I missed her call but she left me a nice message and I hope I can get the chance to call her back soon. The two of us have an incredible connection and even though we only talk about once a month or, I struggle to think of many other people that I trust more. Since the day we met and started talking last summer she's done nothing but good for me in a pure selfless way. There are selfish people in my life. Shes not one of them. Jordan. Thanks for the comment man. We should start calling each other more since I'm getting over my fear of the phone. I miss you buddy. Not many people know me or understand where I'm coming from like you. From our competitiveness to love of music we're creepily similar. When you get back from Europe we're gonna tear it up. I didn't mean this to be shout out section. These are just all people that have crossed my mind today caring for me.

- My niche is right where I'm at. I am where I belong. No problems there. This is unusal in our individualistic society. I'm ok with being weird.

- I also like who I am. I'm not trying to be arrogant. I'm not saying I'm anything greater than anybody. It makes me sick that I'm discovering that I belong in a small way to the school of humanistic psychology, which I've always seen as fuzzy, sappy, anti-scientific, hippy crap that gives psychology a bad name. But I strain to think of many ways that my ideal self and actual self are separated. I like to think that most of the time I interact with people the way I should and that I make good decisions that don't cause hard rest on my mind. I've even recently come to terms with a lot of regrets I had that apparently took years to gain proper perspective on. Maslows self-actualized person is something I've always seen as an ideal since I first learned about it in my basic level psych classes. I think that while I may not be there, I'm as close as I can be given my situation. Every day is a gift. I do my best not to waste it being down on my situation even when it sucks. And sometimes it really sucks.

- That whole paragraph sounds really cocky to me. It shouldn't be. I'm self-confident. For better or for worse thats how I am. It hasn't always been that way but I'm glad it is now.

- I miss Lake Champlain. Its weird. I've only been there twice but I left a part of me on its shores that I need to go get back someday.

- Faith isn't stupid. Academia will tell you otherwise. I also think academia is prideful and lacks a soul. The soul is where faith comes in.

- Sports are beautiful. Win or lose it brings people, typically but not always male, together and gives people something to share even when they can't find anything else.

- People can be really selfish and selfabsorbed sometimes. I think selfishness can describe about 80% of things people do. This includes me, people I like, people I love, and people I don't. We're selfish creatures. Bossy too. Go figure. Nothing I can do about it but live my life as I would anyway.

- Spring, while not my favorite, is the most exciting season of the year. One of my favorite parts about my job is that everyday I get to travel through the Oval there and back and watch it slowly wake up. Thanks to the recent rain and snow its been a sight to see this year.

- Sometimes I feel like the universities in America are there just to skim off the best and the brightest for the purpose of changing the world and the rest of the graduates just get a consolation prize of a degree for playing along. Whatever, I'll take it.

- And finally I've recently thought that many things I do, stick to, choose, or otherwise give a part of myself time, emotions, or otherwise seem to end up a waste of time or meaningless. Sisyphian tasks in the most depressing sense of the term. What I've come to terms with, however, is that they all have meaning in the big picture, even when I can't see it. So I'll keep pushing that stupid boulder til' I just don't have the strength anymore and it crushes me.

- And thats it. Its a smattering of random thoughts on pointless things. Welcome to my mind.

Sooner or later you'll see what I mean.

One more month

2008-04-13T21:16:00.002-06:00

- My life just keeps getting better.

- The littlest things in life have the most profound effect on me. Kimbre gave me a new pair of socks when I went to visit her this weekend. If you know me, you know how I feel about new socks. The way they hug your feet and make you feel so clean and safe. I don't know, I can't explain it, I just really like new socks. Anyway, the gesture went a long way to make me feel loved. The fact that she thought about me enough to go slightly out of her way to make me happy speaks volumes to me. Words are easy and often ring empty to me. When people tell me things I can't help but cross check my memory for evidence to tell me if I believe them. Its the little actions that make a difference.

- The last month of school isn't going to be easy. My week days are packed since I'm hitting the home stretch of the semeter at the same time I'm starting research. The nice thing, though, is that its all paced pretty well so i should be able to deal. The weekends are going to be my saving grace, I can tell already.

- Busy but good. Its all good for me and I'm enjoying it even if I stress which I know I probably will.

- So much is on my mind but as hard as I try so little of it can be organized into thoughts so I'll just give it a rest. Good things mostly. :) I'll be ready when things turn south, its part of life, but right now I'm in a good place.

In my time

2008-04-10T23:13:00.003-06:00

- Its been a hell of a week. I've been up to my eyes in work and there were times where I felt like just nothing could go right for me and that I couldn't buy a break, but its nothing I can't handle and somehow I got everything taken care of that I needed to.

- One of those things was finding time to talk to my academic advisor about where I was as far as being ready for graduation. When I sat down in her office, the first thing she did was cock her head to the side and ask me, "So... you've been going here 3 years and you've never met with an advisor?" That scared me as you can probably imagine. Luckily her suprise was at how I was sitting in front of her with 112 credits filling all my prereqs on my own without someone telling me how I needed to do it. It was pretty exciting to hear that I'm a semester's worth of coursework away from graduating. It really hit me today that my purpose of being here was to work towards getting something that I should be proud to have; a college degree. Not everyone can say that and in this day and age it really is an acomplishment.

- I'm not scared of or dreading my future like I used to. I'm starting to realize how many opportunities I have to take my enjoyment of life I've found in school into a future thats as open as I let it be. I'm still not sure where I'll end up in five years, but instead of being blind to the thought, I'm starting to make out blury shapes.

- A lot can happen in a year. My life, if nothing else, is an example of how true that is. I've got everything and nothing to lose at the same time. Whatever happens though, I'll be ok.

- Time to let Ryan Adam's sing me to sleep.

2008-04-07T00:30:00.000-06:00

- Equilibrium. Nice to be back.

...

2008-04-05T07:21:00.003-06:00

- Who didn't see this coming? What I should do, what I want to do, and what I am doing are three completely different things. She hurt me. She knows it. I know she wants to make it right.

- I just want to crawl into a hole somewhere. I wish I could caulk up the fact that my hunches are right in all the wrong ways to a self-fulfilling prophecy. That would be simple and easy to fix but I know this isn't mine to determine. Even when it seems that way.

- Its going to be a long weekend.

Porch lights out

Its 5 am

Theres nothing really happenin

But today

I think I'll go outside

Find the light

Feel my eyes

Kill the night

Show this darkness a thing or two

Won't run away make some tools

Cause I want to go to sleep

Getting There

2008-03-30T20:32:00.005-06:00

- Five more weeks until the semester is over. That seems like such a short but still long ways a way. These last couple months have represented this weird time paradox for me. I don't know why but I feel like its a good thing. My days and weekends are full of activity and I've been getting the most out of them. This 'fullness' makes me feel like I'm taking advantage of my time here in college. When I'm enjoying myself doing things I love with people I love, the time flies and I've got routines to get me through the less enjoyable parts. So, in other words, it feels like things are flying by but not so fast that I'm missing out.

- The world is my oyster. Its been a long time since I've been so excited for summer. Its setting up to be extraordinary and there are so many things I plan to do in it. Its awesome.

- One thing I have noticed recently though, is how easy it is for me to get lost in my thoughts. Especially when I'm alone. I'll just sit there and dissect anything and everything until I've created an alternate reality for myself that can be tough to snap out of. Sometimes its these stupid blogs that put me there. Sometimes its hearing an unsettling piece of news. Sometimes its when I remind myself of things I was letting stew just under the surface. I think one thing I was missing last spring was people that would be there to snap me out of it when I'd start down one of those roads. People that could pull me down to earth when I'd start to drift away and people that would give me a reason to stick around when all I wanted to do was get away. Spending the summer away taught me who these people are cause they're the ones I missed most.

- I have a good life and its even better now that I'm starting to realize and recognize that I'm not in it alone. Its people that have been there all along, some from when I was just a boy but it took until recently for me to understand the less obvious ways they keep me from going crazy.

- It was a great weekend. One I'll probably remember for the rest of my life. Just now thinking of Kimbre waiting on the grill at Hu Hut making her interpretation of my 'sexy face' is making me smile. I'm tired to the point of exhaustion but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Appreciate the good times
But don't take the worst for granted
Cause you only get
So many second chances

Hmm...

2008-03-28T09:15:00.001-06:00

TGIF?

Niceties

2008-03-25T22:46:00.002-06:00

- Things have been going well for me recently. It’s like I can do no wrong. I got a test grade back today that was a lot higher than I expected; not fair for the small amount of work I put into it. It’s usually been my coworker Justin not me making the mistakes at work. I feel me getting closer to my sisters as we get older. Kimbre doesn't hate my guts yet. The weathers getting warmer and the grass is getting greener. It’s all a good sign. Reminds me eerily of the mood of the summer of my senior year.

- I don't know why I do it, but when I'm going through a good time in my life, I always brace for the other shoe to drop. It’s not stupid cause I know eventually it will; that’s just the cycle of living. I just hope the bracing isn't holding me back from enjoying where I'm at as much as I should. It would be a little more justified if I felt bracing myself made things any easier when things don't always go like I want them to in the past. I guess its all in finding that golden spot on the continuum.

- In other news, I experienced a really awkward situation yesterday. I was at the bike rack after work unlocking my bike and getting ready to leave when the guy from central receiving that handles the UPS and FedEx boxes also walked out to unlock his bike. It was locked right next to mine and the way our locks were arranged we had to get uncomfortably close. We both recognize each other from when I run back there to give him things but we're not on personal speaking terms. Every exchange between us has been purely business. I'm not even sure if the guy knows my name. My bike lock was being stubborn so it was taking me longer than normal and we made brief eye contact for a moment when I looked up in frustration. I finally got mine unlocked and almost at the same time we said to each other "Another day another dollar." I don't know why, I think it was just to fill that awkward silence, but it made an uncomfortable situation even more awkward. We laughed sheepishly for a second at the jinx and as I got on the bike to ride away I yelled back at him "Have a good day." He responded with the customary "You too" and we went our separate ways.

- The whole situation got me thinking about how empty words can be sometimes. Honestly, I didn't really care how the rest of his day went. My intentions in telling him to enjoy the rest of his evening weren't actually a wish for him to be genuinely happy but instead more of a socially acceptable way of saying, "I'm leaving now and I don't really expect to see you again until I need to." The whole thing bugged me a little. I know it would have been inappropriate to look him in the eye "I'm a little bit glad that you don't live on my street cause you freak me out" even if that’s how I really feel. It also would have been equally inappropriate to give him a warm handshake and say "Wow, you're a fantastic person and deserve good things to happen to you for the rest of the night" because that would have been insincere.

- I guess the generic "Have a good ones" and "See you laters" are necessary empty nuggets our language has developed that do their purpose. I just hope that I make sure that I keep them to a minimum and make sure that the people I love know when I tell them something that its coming from the heart and that I mean what I say when it really matters.

2008-03-22T22:50:00.002-06:00

- I'm back from Texas and home for about 20 hours or so. Lots happened. Lots to write about. But time for that will come later. I enjoy my moment. Thats good enough for now.

Getting...

2008-03-12T21:13:00.007-06:00

Lost

by Matt the Electrician

I had a dream last night that you were pregnant

But you can't get pregnant when you're dead.

Maybe I'm wrong.

If you come back

Try and let me know

I just wanna say hi, congratulations.

One time I thought you were my cat

But she took a crap on my pillow

I changed my mind about that one.

Maybe I'm wrong.

If you chase birds

Scratch the screen door

Just try not and scratch me and my wife so much anymore.

Sometimes everything means nothin'.

Sometimes I can't believe myself.

When we're driving in my dreams its in your car.

I don't know why but we're lost

Its just where we are.

I heard a psychic meduim on the radio.

Said he could hear spirits, I thought about callin' in.

Maybe I'm wrong.

If you're standing there

Wisperin' in his ear

Do me a favor and tell him why the f*** you jumped off a cliff.

-
Sometimes everything means nothing

Sometimes I can't believe myself

When we're driving in my dreams, its in your car.

I don't know why but we're lost, its just where we are.

- This guy is amazing. This song, like most of his songs, makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time which for me is music nirvana.

- I don't have much to say. The weathers been nice up until today which has been making me really excited for the summer. I love my job. I love my roommates. I love my friends. I miss my family. I'm sick of school. I'm excited for spring break with Kimbre. The new season of South Park made me laugh until my sides hurt. I'm sad my black Old Navy slippers broke. They were tough. Hell, I did a little rock climbing in those puppies one time when I was caught unprepared and they got the job done.

- I wish I had more opportunities to write. Its probably for the best though. If I wrote an entry in this thing everytime I experienced or thought of something I found unique, interesting, or relevant than I'd never do anything else and anyone that ever reads it would really get overwhelmed.

- So I won't overwhelm you. I hope the rest of your week goes smoothly. :)

March

2008-03-04T19:50:00.003-07:00

- Like many of my posts this time of year I'm writing from the library. The ginger kid sitting across from where I'm studying just stretched out, yawned really loud, threw his book over his shoulder, then curled up in the fetal position to go to sleep. Each step in that process was jerky and borderline violent. The strangeness of his actions really startled me so all hope of studying for a little bit was lost to my mild case of ADD.

- Heres a few things that have randomly crossed my mind today:

---------------

- I love Fort Collins. Its pretty close to the perfect little town, but today I realized its dark little secret that me and everyone else that loves FoCo often overlook. The wind. Its never really an issue most of the year but come late winter early spring; BAM. It hits you. Its cold. Its hard. Its miserable. It makes it hard to ride your bike back from class. Its pretty easy to forget when its gone and town is back in its full glory but right now, my city is in its Hyde stage. I can't wait for the summer.

- I'm very guarded in terms of talking about my relationships. People often don't know I'm with a girl unless they heard about it from someone else or have asked me about it. No matter how much I like a girl I'll rarely talk about her even if she's dominating my thoughts. Often, even when someone asks me something in that arena I'll either dodge the question completely or give a pretty generic response. I don't know why this is, just the way I am I suppose. If I talk to you about a relationship I'm in or even was in, you're either a really good friend to me and/or you asked about it. The reason this whole personal oddity crossed my mind is because its led to some kind of funny situations over the last month or so that will remain solely mine.

- Month old snow isn't pretty. Go away snow.

- There are a lot of people in the world. A lot. Nothing will help you realize that better than working in a mail center. One of the projects I was working on today involves sending out 30,000 pamphlets to high school seniors across the country. Each one is on its way to a different person with a different story and different experience. One was to a guy named Ken Doll, by the way, which made me laugh. As I worked, though, something that helped me pass the time was looking at some of the names and trying to imagine their story. There's probably someone else in the world that hears a name in that bundle and has their stomach churn for reasons good, bad, or both. There are probably other names in there of people that have done great, extraordinary things the world will never hear about. Everyday I sort through at least one love letter someone else is probably waiting anxiously for. A funny story about that was in a letter written on a postcard that went into graphic detail about what some dude's girlfriend was gonna do to him next time she saw him. GRAPHIC. The whole thing makes me realize that the world is big and even though sometimes I convince myself otherwise, I am I'm not a huge part of it. That would make most people feel really lonely but not me. My experiences matter to me. I may be insignificant, but my life to me and the people I change isn't.

- Music from the 70's is overrated. I don't like it. Any of it. I don't care if it was the influence for modern music. Its one relic of American history I could do without.

- My family is unique. Really unique. Between my four sisters and me there are thousands of ways that we're different from each other. Yeah, there are the similarities; Julie's a little more like I was and Jenna, to a lesser extent is a little more like Jessie. But for five individuals raised under the same roof our various approaches to life and our experiences growing up aren't anything alike. On a bigger scale, the way my whole family interacts and loves each other is very a-typical when I compare them to my friends and their families. I'm really glad. I think the core of all this is my family values responsible individuality more than most and our relationships with each other embody this. I love each and every one of them and knowing they're always there for me is the glue that holds me together even when everything else is falling apart.

- Some people are just plain stupid. No reason to be nice about it. They can't help it and it isn't going to change. They are doomed to a life of being dumb.

- On a similar note, there are some people I look at and can't figure how they can be happy. I was talking to Jeff about one of my coworkers who is just a surly old lady and she can't be older than 27 though the bags under her eyes and the snarl in her face would say otherwise. I know I should probably live in her shoes a day before I really make such a judgement, but I just can't see her enjoying anything much less her life in general.

----------------

- And thats that. Long post I know. I'm sorry. I feel its necessary. I've almost hit the 3 year mark writing in this thing. Three years of my life documented in the form of short nonsensical blurbs. I've come a long way in that time and its fun that I can go back when I want to. If I really feel like digging I've always got my notebook I wrote in before that. Cheers.

Coming up next...

2008-02-28T20:29:00.002-07:00

- I love jazz music. I was on my mail route the other day. It was beautiful outside so I rolled down the windows, slowed down a bit, and tuned the van's radio onto one of my favorite stations 89.3 KUVO. Its a commercial free jazz station that really knows its stuff. I turned it on just in time for one of my favorite Dizzy Gillespie tunes, followed by some floutist I'd never heard of and a Coltrane tune before the DJ cut in. I love jazz music, I do, but one of the main reasons why I listen to the station is for the DJs. They're so stereotypical but really good at describing the music. In a velvety voice he started a long jive of carefully constructed words that almost had a muscial quality of their own. He described the song coming up as "a tasty trounce through the mind and world of the great one, the late one, Miles Davis". And God help me he was right. There was no other word to describe the song but tasty. I just melted into the music and it made my day. I wish I could be that cool, I really do. Just the way he talks driped of cool, calm, and hip without coming across as cheesy.

- I don't think many people appreciate a good jazz DJ as much as me. Thats too bad. Listen to KUVO. Unless its during one of their pledge drives. Those suck.

Noted

2008-02-24T20:26:00.001-07:00

- Note to self: Don't go to the library late Feburary on a Sunday night to study Managment. You won't end up doing much studying. Don't waste your time.

Stubborn Harmony

2008-02-23T01:14:00.002-07:00

- Wow. How am I supposed to react to that? It makes me a combination of really sad and really angry, yet really powerless to help. That feeling of being useless every now and then is something that is taking getting used to in my life in general. I don't think I have less control over the situations, I just think I'm just coming to terms with the fact that they don't belong to me and as much as I'd like to, I can't help. Or maybe I can. Maybe I can just stop being so incredibly selfish. The biggest thing on my mind throughout was how self absorbed I've been recently. I may not be able to fix anybodies problems but that doesn't mean I can't be around to help out. I'm glad I'm home. And I'm glad I decided not to go to bed right away even though its pushing 2 as I'm writing this.

- Seeing the Denver skyline pop up over the hill as I headed down 25 south followed by the lights blanketing commerce city had an unusual effect on me. They weren't welcome. The ingredients were there; traffic was light, the music was good, the car was running smooth, my thoughts were roaming, yet for the first time since I started that drive, I resented all of it. I know why. I won't let my mind take this from me. It has before but it won't again.

- In other news I'm glad she misses me. I want her to have a good time in Reno but if she didn't miss me or if I didn't believe her when she told me she does I'd be less comfortable with how upset I am that I'm not with her. Its a long forgotten feeling I'm rediscovering and its an uncomfortable ride. Weird that I'm loving every minute of it.

- What a weird day. Over the last 24 hours I've been in, to my count, nine or so completely different situations. From catching up with a friend to an old school movie night to work to a contemplative drive to a party to class to listening to music in my room in FoCo, to being angry at Qdoba (again), to driving with Jeff to Greely, to here sitting in my old chair late night at home and actually a few more I won't waste time mentioning. Its a full weeks activities crammed into a day. And if you can't tell by the shifting tones in this post, I've got a mood to match each one.

- But one mood prevails in my life over all others: Life is good. I'm sure there'll be times over this next week that I'm down, but even then, life is good.

Leaving the Light On

2008-02-17T20:34:00.003-07:00

- It was a weekend of highs and lows. The highs were really high and the lows were really low. I wish there was just more time in the weekend. I feel I let a few people down thanks to this time crunch and a few other factors; some in my control and some not. One of those people is my mom. Hopefully I can make it up to her this weekend since I'm finally going home for the first time this semester.

- I got a random call a couple days ago from Tiff. It was unexpected but well timed. We talked for a long time, especially for me. I was kind of having a rough day and had a few thing weighing on my mind but she talked me through them and I felt better. I made quite a few really good friends this summer, one ironically called me in the middle of writing this, but for some reason she and I hit it off as friends in a really unique way. It was nice catching up.

- I'm a creature of habit. In a bad way. Its none of my business. It shouldn't matter to me so why does it? I really don't want to start down that road again. Especially with the way things in general are progressing for me. I feel like I'm living in a Texas two step. This is the step back. Hopefully its only going to be a little one though. Life's too damn confusing for me sometimes.

- Balls. Well at least I talked myself out of that one.

Midsight

2008-02-12T20:21:00.002-07:00

- The human body is incredible. Its ability to gather and process information and the complexity required for us to respond to our environment is absolutely amazing. The more I learn about these processes and the very fine details involved with them the more I can't see how anybody can believe we are who we are; mind, body, and soul by accident. From an engineering perspective we are very fine instruments and with each new complexity I learn, the harder it becomes for me to accept on evolutionary faith that we could have to come together so perfectly and precisely like we did as a species. Its just overall to much to stomach to believe the blunt hammer of nature shaped us like this.

- Even though having to learn about all the tiny processes come together in such sometimes minute and fragile ways is wearing on me stress wise in my studying demands, its fun learning something I don't already know from decades of science classes in the past. Fascinating stuff.

- I realize that I'm kind of a nerd when it comes to really enjoying the things that I learn in my classes and not everybody shares my curiosity on the subject but my recent studying for my Sensation and Perception test on Thursday has these things on my mind and I felt I just had to let it out.

- Anyway, beyond my schoolwork, life is really weighing on me this week. It’s not bad, but it’s defiantly not good and I'm approaching the situation with caution. I don't know why I go digging to make my life difficult sometimes. I think deep down I have a few questions left unanswered that I save somewhere just to give me a place to start over if my life, for whatever reason, chooses to fall apart. A defense mechanism if you will. The trouble with that is if I let it, it can shake the foundations of what I already have. I'm pretty sure this time around, however, I'm not going to let it. After the initial shock wore off I stopped and thought about the effect it had on me. The only reason why it was so surprising was because it’s something I haven't given a care to for almost a year now. And that makes me happy. And determined. I am who I'm becoming, not who I was. Yeah, it’s risky. I'm putting a lot of eggs in this basket, but I think if I'm ever to develop into my full potential I need to take this chance, hell or high water. Perfect isn't going to happen because perfect isn't real. My moment is good and I need to appreciate it as such. I’ll just keep my head down and not let my mind wander into places I know won't make me happy.

- I know I can do this. I know it. If I can't I'm doomed to be a creature of habit and patterns and that will only lead to my destruction. That’s a pretty bold statement but I believe it sincerely and I’m determined not to let it happen.

- My life is good. I just wish sometimes I wouldn't be my own worst enemy.

Finding Satisfaction

2008-02-10T21:54:00.000-07:00

- Man. I feel like somebody hit me with a sack of bricks. Sleep is coming sparingly these days and I take it when I can get it but man oh man am I out of it right now. Its so worth it. I'm suprising even myself by how easily I'm settling into my element in life.

- Kimbre was telling me about a philosophy paper she wrote that stuck her with the task of defining herself and all the complicated issues that entitles. It's an interesting thing to think about, trying to put down on paper who you are and its been something thats been on my mind all day. The person I am today is a cumulation of everything I've been through in my life filtered through the perspective I've gained that I use towards defining those experiences. That doesn't make any sense but its the best I can do in my current state. Recently I've been going back and reading my posts from the date a year and two years back. It provides me with a lot of insight into the experiences that define me.

- I like how things are going. I understand that they won't always be as smooth as they are right now, both with Kimbre and in life in general but after looking for a long time I've found a pattern of life that really works for me and I'm prepared to be as flexible as I need to keep it. I only wish there was one extra day in the week so I could find more time to visit home and recharge my family battery more often but soon enough I think I'll get the chance.

- Sorry for the weird/boring post. This really didn't come out like I intended but I'm posting it anyway.

- Regardless, I'm ready to launch into another week.

2008-02-04T11:37:00.000-07:00

---------------------

Let You Through

Dan Gonzalez

---------------------

I wore my skin

Like shoes

Crusted and cracked by the blacktop

Scratched up from years of abuse

And wearing thin

In the grooves where the water beads and drops

I never let you through

You wore your eyes

Like stained glass

Brilliant and blind from the sun

Filled in with colors to last

But showing signs

Of fading hues where the blues and greens used to run

You let me see right through

Into the rooms of your soul where I unpacked my clothes

And moved in

And I left through your eyes again

When you asked me to sit down and tell you what I had to give

I wear my skin

Like chains

Loosened and hanging off my bones

Heavy and dripping with age

And what might have been

If I knew how it feels to grow old alone

I wish I’d let you through

- Beautiful song.

Luckiest

2008-02-03T22:15:00.000-07:00

- I'm a happy guy. Over the last year or so I've figured out what it was that was holding me down and since then things have just turned up for me starting with getting away from it all for the summer in New Hampshire. Right now I've got a job that I enjoy, pays me enough, and gives me great hours. I've got friends that I love and trust and have the time of my life with everytime we I hang out. I've got a girlfriend that I can't seem to get enough of and roommates that I consider some of my all time very best friends. I go on grand adventures that expand my horizon and yet I'm still laying the foundation to be sucessful after this crazy party called college is over.

- God's been good. The bad times'll come sure enough but I'm just kind of enjoying the moment and I'll deal with those when they get here.

New Routine

2008-01-28T22:22:00.000-07:00

- Today felt like an orientation to my life this semester. I got a little taste of everything that will soon become routine for me, just in small doses. It was like a practice day for learning to balance my new job, school, handle the daily to-do list things that pop up, and still find time for myself and enjoying being a college age guy. I think I like it. I'm gonna be staying busy, probably busier than any semester so far but I think I can handle it. Its going to be a productive semester for me in many different ways, I can feel it.

- I've got a few things I still need to address. Slowly, though, I think I'm coming around to being able to handle them. I'm providing myself with the means and the willpower and its empowering.

- I've been living in a state of inspiration recently. Even things like the random blowing snow flurry that chilled me to the bones walking to the library tonight make me feel more alive than I've felt in a long time. I really want to write about some of them have really caught me off guard recently. Maybe I'll do that soon.

- Its good. I hope it lasts.

Sunsets Over the Plains

2008-01-23T21:06:00.000-07:00

- This is my favorite time of the year to be in the library. Its nearly silent. There's maybe eight or so people on the entire top floor of the library and when its like this I get a lot done. You know, even though I talk all the time about how I never go to class and how I'll wait forever to get homework done, I guess I'm really not all that bad of a student. I don't work all the time but when I sit down and set my mind to it I get a lot done. I guess the reason I started thinking about that is because I'm one of the few students that doesn't just come here and study when the grades start slipping or around finals.

- Its been about a week and a half or so since I've updated. I just really haven't had the time and its a shame cause a lot has happened. I took a spur of the moment road trip down to Lubbock with Dustin, Jeff, Alex, and Andrea. I was kind of freaking out when we first started leaving cause it had potential to be a miserable time but it turned out being just what I needed. I tried new things and just spent the weekend blowing off steam trying to live life to fullest.

- It was great. I feel invincibile. With school starting and dealing with finances and social stressors I should be a mess right now but I'm not. I'm kind of handling everything in stride and if I'm lucky enough to avoid some big tragedy to knock me off my horse life will only get better for me over the next couple months. Its funny the stupid things we find to empower us. Almost as funny as how find the stupidest things to tear us down. Heres hoping I can avoid those for a bit longer.

Little Brown Box

2008-01-11T23:31:00.000-07:00

- I learned a lot about myself today. I was enjoying a half nap half "just lay there and enjoy the afternoon sleep" in my bed with the door open, light flooding the room, and Blue by Bob Schnieder and Mitch Watkins playing in the background when I saw a brown box that I've used to hold old letters, pictures and poems and stuff.

- I've toyed with the thought of throwing this box away or at least sorting through it to get it down to a smaller size that wouldn't take so much space. But when I finally dug into, I was overwhelmed with a number of emotions. I felt like I was traveling back in time and placing myself in the shoes of myself at my biggest moments of growing up. I'm glad I documented it so incredibly for myself and when I was done sorting the box actually was fuller than when I started.

- One surprise I found was a book of poetry I wrote. I'm not sure exactly how old it was but I'm guessing they were from about 2 years ago. I was blown away by this little black book. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bragging about my ability as a poet. Believe me I've written some bad poetry in my life, some of it much more recent than these poems. I'm telling you, really bad. But as flipped through the 20 or so poems and songs they shocked me, half cause I couldn't remember writing them and half because they were absorbing every bit of my focus and feeling while I was reading them. Some were really graphic, some rhymed, some didn't. Some were about specific people in my history and captured my emotions toward them perfectly and some, like the one I copied below weren't about anybody I could think of but I still enjoyed nonetheless. Your guess is as good as mine toward the meaning and I wrote it, but I really like it.

Choose
In a world of greed and pride and hate
She stands alone at heavens gate
Sinful shackles at her feet
The other ends ignite with heat
But whole are they on this girl's waste
No freedom soon will this one taste
But her grip is good; determination fierce
Up through his soul these chains do pierce
With guilt and greed and grace ran they
And keep him in the fiery fray
But struggles he with all his might
Hard he goes, up to the light
In purest white does she stand
And offers him forgiving hands
They're his if only he will reach
And walk with her down the beach
Two combine in Godly love
Despite the world they rose above
To live in honest freedom's bliss
Above a world of emptiness
So much to gain, so much to lose
Now its time for him to choose

- Naturally the nostalgia I felt as I went through the box was strong, but one emotion I didn't expect was an overwhelming feeling of joy. Instead of the normal feeling of regret, loss, and sadness the box usually has created for me in the past, I found myself realizing something I don't think I've fully grasped.

- Despite its simplicity I've lived an incredible life. In my short 21 years I've done things some people never get the chance to, been loved deeply, made an impact on a handful of people profoundly, and fulfilled a few life goals without even realizing it. I may get down on things from time to time as the world overwhelms me, but I'm glad for everything that has turned me into me. Everything. Even the things that I've wished I could change.

- I think I understand myself more, even if its just a little bit.

- I get to see Kimbre tomorrow for the first time since New Years. I'm really excited about that. I know it’s only been a week or so and I've gotten to at least talk to her most of the days but I miss her anyway.

- I've got some good people in my life. I've lost a few good people too. It’s all for a reason. Chances are you fit in one of those to categories. I appreciate you.

2008-01-06T20:42:00.000-07:00

- Heaven is:
Fresh powder. All over the place.
Which I guess means heaven was Copper Mountain today.

Less Scripted

2008-01-03T23:50:00.000-07:00

- One way that I can tell that I'm getting older is that these days I feel like I have no idea whats going on most of the time. The world is a complicated and confusing place and one solid indicator of my youth has always been an almost arrogant attitude that I've got it all figured out. Its getting to the point of chaos where I'm certain about very few things.

- Its taking some getting used to but I'm learning to not be so afraid of this uncertainty. It may not always show but I really am a very guarded individual. There are a lot of walls and checks and balances I put up in fearful cautiousness. They are there to keep an eye on a number of things but mostly its my pride I'm guarding. My lofty self image takes a pretty rough beating when I expose it to things which show me truths I don't want to believe could ever be true. There are times when I represent things I hate. Thats an devastating feeling when you get slapped in the face by the cold hand of reality. Its why traditionally I just learned to lock more and more things away and take fewer and fewer chances.

- So, slowly but surely I'm realizing to accept that I don't have as much say in everything as I'd like. As another sign to myself that life is incredibly multifacitated, this acceptance isn't so much a choice as it something being forced on me that I just can't say no to. Its hard but its really easy at the same time. I don't get it and everyday that goes by I get it a little less.

- But its a good thing. This is the one thing that I'm slowly coming to terms with.

Post Christmas

2007-12-29T20:56:00.000-07:00

- Break this year has filled itself out really nicely. I'm filling time with things I want to do but still getting enough down time to not stress out. These next few days are gonna be kind of crazy but I'm at a place these days where I'm not really dreading anything major and I've got a lot to look foward to in the rest of break .

- I just got back today from a trip to Monarch with Kimbre. The trip gave me a chance to meet and hang out with her family. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to go initially but I'm really glad I got to. It was kind of an intimidating situation to put myself in. Had her family not liked me it could have been a long four days, but it all worked out well and I ended up having a really good time. The skiing itself was really cold but it fun getting to see a different mountain and the runs were fun despite their shortness.

- I'm happy with her. We work well together without forcing it. I'm excited to see where its gonna go yet at the same time I'm not really worrying to much about it which is the way it should be.

- I've discovered more good music. Jon Foreman of Switchfoot made a solo EP and its really good. Switchfoot was always too poppy for me but on his own Jon puts together some pretty solid lyrics with a nice folky feel and everyone knows I'm a sucker for modern folk rock. Check out 'The Moon is a Magnet' if you feel like giving him chance.

- I can feel myself growing up. Just little things but I'm getting there. The more I step out of my bubble the better my perspective gets on some of the things I focus a lot of energy on that are just kinda stupid. Don't get me wrong, I still want to be a kid and hang on to those things adults just can't appreciate, but I waste a lot of time and stress myself on things adults wouldn't.

- Life's good.

Older Chests

2007-12-24T01:06:00.000-07:00

- You know something I regret? Not giving Damien Rice's most recent album, 9 a fair chance. Its really been resonating in me recently. Powerful music. It just goes to show you that sometimes you can't really make a fair judgement of a song from a 30 second itunes clip.

Familiarity Breeds Contempt

2007-12-22T23:27:00.000-07:00

- Christmas is just a few days away. That's a pretty overwhelming thought. Where on earth did 2007 go? When I think back to where I was this time last year I can see a lot of similarities. They make me a little uncomfortable. It may be some kind of karma reversing the roles on me or it may be just me thinking too much into the situation. Hell, I know its probably the latter but just the fact that I can't help it bothers me. Its doing a number on me. I don't like thinking about it too much because the thinking itself is what’s getting me all tied up in a knot. I think too much. I know this. Its just new. All of it. The kind of weird new that’s vaguely familiar for all the wrong reasons. It'll be good down the road looking back regardless of where I end up, but it’s gonna bug me until then.

- Even this post bugs me.

- Up and down all break long. I've made this down for myself and tomorrow I know I'll feel better. The stability will come. At times I can be my own worst enemy.

Like I Own the Place

2007-12-19T01:52:00.000-07:00

- Man, I love those guys. We never change Even with Jared getting all engaged and Austin and Jordan living in different states. Its a nice reality check. There are times when I don't think high school Jay would even recognize me now. All the important things are just like they always were and its great.

The Revelator and The Twilight

2007-12-17T22:55:00.000-07:00

And on another note, I just love sad songs that tell stories of heartbreak.
Here's a good one. The imagery is strong.

The Revelator and the Twilight - Dariustx

From the muddy banks of the Trinity
To your folks back porch on the southern hill
And as the revelator promised to me
You're out there in the twilight still
Just waiting in the twilight still

Oh the long march grass
In the setting sun
Ankles bent under long skirts
When the preacher nods
All the ladies sigh
At their men in their short sleve shirts
And I see lightning bugs
And cherry wine
And your grandma's wedding dress
But since I'm 15 hundred miles away
Lord knows I can only guess

From the muddy banks of the trinity
To your folks back porch on the southern hill
And as the revelator promised to me
You're out there in the twilight still
Just waiting in the twilight still

There'd be horseshoes and bonfire light
Oh and can you still see stars?
When you were making plans
Did it take you back?
Did your hands drift towards your scars?
I see your friends cleaned up
And smiling big
Think they ever though of me?
And I can see you too
Now whos that with you
Out under the magnolia tree?

From the muddy banks
Of the trinity
To your folks back porch
On the southern hill
And as the revelator
Lied to me
You're nowhere in the twilight still
Just ghosts out in the twilight still
You're long gone from the twilight still
Just ghosts out in the twilight still

Time Off

2007-12-17T22:14:00.000-07:00

- Break has been slow. Real slow. I've enjoyed it emensly though. The time off feels great. Its been awhile since I've been able to relax to this extent. I just feel overall very content. Recently I've been finding inspiration in pretty much everything and I feel like I'm getting the most out of whatever I'm doing. I'm also finding time to do things I've been wanting to for awhile. Like catching up on my reading for example. I found my library card I got in the fifth grade and was thrilled to find out it still works. I checked out a few interesting looking books on life and one about the process of getting into grad school. I'm just kind of sick of TV these days and since I have the time, getting lost in book is a simple indulgence I finally have time for. The one I'm reading now has an interesting approach to life. Not one that I totally agree with but unique nonetheless. I'll write about it when I get a little deeper in.

- The next semester is going to be one unlike I've encountered so far yet. Its kind of the calm before the storm that is Fall 08' and it'll take some work to keep myself on track so I don't lose focus. Its also a pretty big deal in the fact that its the time in my college career were I need to take some pretty big steps towards my future like applying to grad schools, turning up my research involvment, taking the GRE, and really focusing so my grades are strong enough to take me where I want to go. I guess before I do all that though I need come to some kind of consensus on where I'm even looking to go in life. Its an intimidating thought. For now, I'll just make sure that I'm not taking the right now for granted.

Eides of December

2007-12-15T22:08:00.000-07:00

- What a week/weekend. I got an impossible A in accounting, (I needed a 105% and got a 106% on the final post curve), a terrible grade on my econ paper, a black eye, new furniture, a new found appreciation for Old Town, and last but not least Kimbre and I became an official couple after an incredible night.

- Physically and emotionally I'm just flat out tired, but in a getting the most out of life kind of way, good and bad.

- I love it, I do.

Stress and Stressor

2007-12-12T22:59:00.000-07:00

- Stress. I think it’s the source of almost everything we don't like in this world. Everything that causes us discomfort, that makes us sad, that makes us mad, and that we just plain see as no good is either caused by stress or can be defined as a type of stress.

- Type B or "laid back" personality styles are revered in our culture as cool and one of my least favorite words in the world 'chill'. Gag me with a spoon. Their freedom from stress inspires envy in everyone who can't seem to find an escape from the daily grind that sometimes can wear away at our souls. Like anything though, freedom from stress when taken to an extreme can be bad. Without stress we'd never get anything done and we'd never get anywhere in life. We'd never care about anything and people and things used to keep us honest and in check would be uselss. Stress is the pain of emotion. It keeps us from doing stupid things and motivates us to improve our situation so we don't tear ourselves apart in our detachment.

- I'm not just blowing smoke for no reason on the topic, I promise. Recently intense bouts of stress have been overwhelming me. Quick temporary rain clouds that hit me and ruin my mood. I develop a temporary OCD-esk anxiousness and it won't go away until I take care of whatever caused it.

- Sometimes the causes of these are really dumb; like the other day when in the middle of a nap I suddenly couldn't remember where I had put my house keys when I got home. The more I thought about it, the more stressed I got. It was dumb and I knew it. I didn't need my keys anytime soon since I had nowhere to be for a couple hours. But as dumb as it may have been, it ruined my nap. In order to stop stressing about it I pulled myself out of bed and searched for about ten mins until I found them on my tv right where I left them. I actually think I may be a bit obsessive-compulsive but not to the point of a disorder. There's no other way to explain how irrationally I can get worked up about little things.

- Not all my stressors have been this trivial. A few are things that would probably stress anybody out, but none deserved the attention I gave them. At least not with the intensity with which I dwelled on them. I guess few things actually would, but my enjoyment of life would defiantly improve if I could learn to calm down and think things through when I start letting them overwhelm me.

- It also wouldn't hurt if I put my keys in the same place every time I got home and stopped losing my phone all the time. I remember my fifth grade class mountain getaway trip where I lost me and roommate's hotel room key only to find it at the bottom of the deep end of the swimming pool. This after having a fight with a guy sharing the room with me who should get to hold the key and why. Needless to say he wouldn't let me hold on to it the rest of the trip. To this day I have no idea how it got down there. I think he set me up.

- Good tangent Jay. Good night.

A High of 29

2007-12-10T14:37:00.000-07:00

- I love new snow. The only other time campus looks more beautiful is at the height of Fall. Not counting the storm we missed over break, the last couple days represented the first big snowfall of the season in FoCo. And it was my favorite kind. It did most of its snowing during the day and the wet nature of the snow itself made it stick to trees and soak the streets turning the roads grey and everything else white from top to bottom. I call it car commercial style snow. You know, the kind you see on fancy Lexus commercials when the car is driving through puffy white flakes as it passes through a quaint little town. Even though it made it really hard for me and Jeff to pick up and move a few desks and tables and stuff from this girl in Greely, it added an extra element of fun to the day. I felt like a kid playing in the snow all afternoon but instead of playing I was scraping ice off car windows and finding creative ways to keep everything dry in the truck bed.

- The snow also made for ideal skiing conditions Sunday. From top to bottom it was a pretty amazing day in Copper but after hanging out on Friday, moving on Saturday, and skiing Sunday didn't leave a lot of time for studying for my final exam this morning. I think I did alright anyway and with the optional cumulative test I took after it to replace my lowest grade, it won't make a difference if I bombed it. I really should be a little more responsible. One of these days I'm going to run out of get out of jail free cards.

- Three more tests and three more days until the semester is over. I'm going to have more free time over break than I'll know what to do with. I'll find something to keep myself busy. I just wish they would have spread a bit more of the month and a half we get off over the actual school year. But I guess thats why I'm not in charge.

- I should be in charge.

Things I've Learned

2007-12-06T16:24:00.000-07:00

- Typically for me I don't feel any different after a birthday. Not even when I turned 16. I remember I just felt like a 15 year old with a driver’s license. It may be that society has drilled it into my head that being 21 means something but since last Friday my perspective on things has changed quite a bit. Almost overnight, I stopped seeing myself as a kid. It’s not a stance of superiority or wisdom but again, one of perspective. Suddenly my future doesn't seem so far away and at the same time it doesn't seem so ominous. I don't tell people I'm from Denver anymore. When they ask where I'm from I tell them Fort Collins. This may not be completely true from a financial codependent standpoint or what I list when a form asks for my "permanent address" but it seems that these days when I go "home" it feels more like a vacation to see my family than home. This is a pretty big shift for me. I'm enjoying it a lot though. I'm setting the foundation for a life on my own.

- With that I feel like spewing out a few things I've learned over my first 21 years of life:

- 1. Nobody's perfect.
Nobody. If you think someone is perfect it’s because you're choosing to overlook their flaws to fit them into the image of who you wish they were. Imperfection doesn't have to be such a bad thing. I'm actually glad for it. Without those quirks that make people human we have nothing to reference their good with except our bad. Compared to perfection we're terrible and nothing points that out better than somebody who's got it all. Friendship and love is learning to accept the bad with the good as part of what makes somebody who they are and loving both the good and the bad for this very reason.

- 2. Music and art make life beautiful.
If you don't appreciate it learn to. The doors to enjoying everything you experience art and beyond will open.

- 3. A sense of humor in a person says volumes about them as a person.
In regards to intelligence, agreeableness, and ability to persevere through hard times there is no description of a person's personality that tells you more about who they are.

- 4. You don't need money to have a good time, but...
money will give you something to do. There's also never enough of it.

- 5. God is faithful.
Always. Faithful is a churchy word I know but year after year that statement rings true. It floors me to think about.

- 6. The Texas Longhorns > The Oklahoma Sooners

- 7. The best girls aren't always the ones that have a lot of guys after them.
All it means when a girl is surrounded by guys is that she’s been advertising herself to them. As a sex we're really lazy and will ignore the most beautiful, smart, vivacious gem of a girl in pursuit of a sure thing. Some of the girls I know have got to be women's best kept secrets. They take awhile to get to get to know but everyone that takes the time gets hooked.

- 8. Introspection is cathartic.

- 9. Find a stupid thing that makes you happy and just let it make you happy without focusing on how stupid it may be.
I've got several of these: a new warm pair of socks, fanny packs, getting absorbed in my music when I'm driving alone, and my rock-star pose when using a urinal. I'm not sure why or when I started that one but whenever I do it I start cracking up. I've had many a bad day turned around by them.

- 10. Jazz is underappreciated.
As an art form. As a means of release. As a key American cultural component. As a music.

- 11. People that take themselves really seriously don't usually like me very much.
Its sad but true. Cause its not always the case that I don't like them.

- 12. Feed your tendencies.
Don't be completely inflexible but realize that you are who you are and the fact that that in itself is something. It may not always show but I'm kind of introverted and a loner. If you still don't believe me I think the best example of how this manifests itself day to day is in my general dislike of talking on the phone. Even to people I love. I don't always hate it but there have been times where my phone rings with someone I want to catch up with and I just won't pick it up because it takes a certain something to gear me up for social interaction. It’s caused problems in my life before, but I've come to realize that its just who I am. I can't change it and I don't want to.

- 13. Life is what you make it.
Good, bad, or ugly. Its your choice the things you let get to you, the things you won't, the things you enjoy, the things you don't, the people you let in, the attitude you pick, the choices you make.

- I suppose I've learned a few other things but most of them involve cheat codes and the supernintendo version of the game Lion King. Heres to many more years and hoping that when its my time to go, I've experienced as much as I hope to in life.

Tireeed

2007-12-03T21:10:00.000-07:00

- Life hit me like a truck this over the last week. Some good, some bad, some good/bad. I'm ready to just be done with Adam. His insistance on making the whole situation personal is frustrating. Just because we didn't work out as roommates doesn't mean he can't be civil on his way out. All the kinks will be ironed out in a week or two but its been like pulling teeth getting things back in order.

- My 21st was this last weekend. It was amazing. There were a few moments of intense stress like when I lost my phone on the slopes (I got it back) and when my car wouldn't start Sunday morning cause of the cold. It was the best birthday I've ever had though and one I won't forget soon.

- I just wish I had more infomation. Thats vauge but I'm just not feeling this tonight. Meh.

Writing About Writing

2007-11-24T11:53:00.000-07:00

"The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!" - Calvin

- If I could choose anyone to spend to a day with just talking about life, hands down it would be Bill Watterson author of Calvin and Hobbes. I think he is one of the greatest thinkers of our day and one of the most insightful philosophers of all time. He is a guy that has things figured out.

- When I first rediscovered this quote it just blew me away. Writing is nothing nobler than a way to meticulously vocalize rationalized thoughts with implicit ulterior motives. I guess taking this thought in mind I should attach a disclaimer to everything I write in here; don't take any of it seriously. I'm full of crap.

Passing Through

2007-11-22T01:32:00.001-07:00

- I'm home again. Nights like this are rough for me. I had a great time hanging out with the boys just like we did in the old times, but this time I dropped Jordan off at his new place on Arapahoe which leaves Grandview on the road for me on my way back home. There's something about seeing my old school and driving through my old stomping grounds that switches a nostolgia switch in my head on. As I drove I started thinking about it, thats when I started thinking about how that whole part of me is dead. I took a quick detour to drive through Grandviews empty parking lot and it strikes me how little of an impact I've made on the place and relatively vice versa I suppose. And even more depressing is how so many things that I cared about and considered important then mean almost nothing now. It really adds a futile feeling to life.

-I haven't done a real good job hanging on to those years. I'm not saying I should live in the past, but by neglecting to care for anything long term back then, I've doomed myself to this feeling of loss right now. Driving over the hill on Arapahoe where the mountains and the city lights seem to rise up out of the earth, I felt like a ghost. Its a terrible feeling tracking back over your history and feeling like you've done something wrong and that nothing is going to ever reverse that feeling of loss.

- This is all the byproducts of a kind of a self absorbed life that I often live. What's next? You tell me. My approach hasn't proven very effective so far. God knows my hubris will be my downfall if I keep going like this. You know, I talk about stopping to smell the flowers and appreciating the little things, but maybe I could a learn a lesson about caring for the big things; people that love me and that I love. Admittedly, I don't think I'm very good at that. If I get another chance which I live day to day praying I will, I'll do it right; selflessly. Agape. True.

Anchorless

2007-11-18T22:46:00.000-07:00

- Well, I'm not sure what I've gotten myself into again.

- I may be getting ahead of myself but something clicked after spending the day with her. I guess I don't know what to think because I haven't completely figured out what exactly is up with me these days. Its like I switch hats several times a week. All of them are me but not all of them match up with each other well. I suppose college is about finding which of these selves get to stick around and finding someway to put them together. But I do know that Saturday was effortless. That simple aspect in a relationship with a girl is something I haven't known since I was 16. A lot of it is a product of timing and how much I've changed over this last Spring, Summer, and Fall but there's that piece there that just fits and luck of the draw or otherwise its refreshing.

- I'm being extremely cautious in all of this. I've been here before and few things are more terrible than when a good thing goes south. I went to see Dan in Real Life with my mom and my sister earlier tonight and something that really drove the film in for me was the pain in Steve Carrel's eyes scene after scene. Its the same world worn feeling that makes me so passionate about music like Rocky Votolato's and inspires me in a way nothing can. My emotional scars aren't any deeper than the average person's but they're deep enough for me not to do anything reckless. Its like during this season of the Office when Jim commenting on Dwights breakup says that that feeling of loss isn't something he'd wish on his worst enemy. I've been there and I know as well as anyone that it sucks.

- Ironically, two of the people that I trust telling things to more than most are girls I've crossed with selfish carelessness in a way that would make it hard for me to forgiving me if was in their shoes. Its funny how these things work out, especially in my life. My life lives out like a confusing and cliche soap opera which every now and then results in an interesting story. This semester especially. The character development recently is fascinating.

- And yet there's always that feeling wanting to see what else this world has to offer. I believe this urge for freedom, this desire for the open road is a motif that is distinctely American. Every now and then I get the urge to "shake the dust of this crummy little town" from my feet and go explore and push the limits of what it is to be human. I keep this urge from taking over by feeding it the old "maybe a little bit later when its not so completely unreasonable" line. I don't consider it lying to myself. Someday I will get away. Its just, life's just enough of an adventure for me right now to keep me satisfied along with how many good things I have going for me in family and friends here. Until that changes I'm not looking to throw anything away on something stupid.

- With that I'll close out these rambly few thoughts with lyrics to the song that has been my anthem over the last month; Anchorless by Dariustx.

Sinners know when its time to go

But you stuck around like it was some kind of test

World renown in that hospital gown

You were the patient but I was the mess

Say any say that you want to get better

The brass band is out in the street

Pray any pray for merciful weather

Theres thunder storms 50 miles east

Sooner or later you'll see what I mean

About drifting out to the West

Past California and way past your dreams

Drifting away anchorless

We were green

How seamless love seemed

As long as the rain came

We had naught to fear

Stormy skys kept mourners inside

Kept flooding the gravesight

Kept providence near

Say any say that you want to get better
The brass band is out in the street
Pray any pray for merciful weather
Theres thunder storms 50 miles east
Sooner or later you'll see what I mean
About drifting out to the West
Past California and way past your dreams
Drifting away anchorless

Now late at night

With no stars in sight

I lay in the tall grass

And curse the skies clear

Monday Night?

2007-11-13T12:18:00.000-07:00

- Wow. The last 2 weeks have been some of the craziest but at the same time greatest of my life. This semseter has been the most fun and most memorable of my life and thats saying something. I've discovered a love for my family that reminds me how blessed I am to have all of them. I learned that I've made friends that would go that extra mile for me in a heartbeat. And I've finally settled into my grove in my day to day life.

- I'm excited for Thanksgiving break. I miss my sisters. I just want to play guitar hero with them and hang out, maybe even listen to a little dcTalk. I love this time of the year.

- I'm going to try and start writing in this thing more. I miss it.

Halloween and such...

2007-11-01T23:39:00.000-06:00

- Its been two years tonight since Linsey commited suicide. It gets a little easier for me as I start putting more and more years between me and that terrible night, but God knows I'll never forget.

- All things considered, though, I've had really good week this last week. One of my roommates is moving out at semester but thats no skin off our back. It may be a tricky process until he does but it'll work itself as these things usually do.

- I had a really solid weekend. I spent the first half of it getting over my sickness and the second half enjoying myself. I've never been a big person in favor of Halloween so I considered going out on the weekend as my appearance to excuse myself from doing anything on Halloween itself. It was weird going to Greely to hang out since people from Greely normally come up here just to get away but when the night was done I was glad I went. It was a blast.

- School's even been manigable recently. I've been in a good mood all week and just can't shake it no matter how hard I try. Good things are comming my way, I can feel it.

The Sun's Gettin' Easier for Me to Look At

2007-10-25T01:03:00.000-06:00

- My posts are getting less frequent. That's equal parts good and bad I guess. Probably a little more bad for reasons I won't waste time with. I guess if I had found better outlets it'd be just fine but as it is, said outlets are few and far between. Its kind of funny the strange places they show up though, in the people I never expect and the situations I almost overlook. Just keep chuggin I spose'. Things happen as they're supposed to.

- Anyway, tonight was great. The Rockies lost 13-1 but I spent the whole night hanging out with some of my true best friends in the world and I don't think they'd disagree with me saying we had a great time. The roadtrip to Lubbock planned for this weekend was canceled on account of Rockies games. I don't mind. There's nowhere else I'd rather be for these games than Colorado. Its just too bad the World Series had to fall on this weekend of all weekends though. I think the trip alone would have been really good for me; one of those mind clearing things especially since it was to Lubbock. I have so much history there. I love Fort Collins and its not like I'm dying to get out, but there's a freedom in the novelty of the open road that is uniquely American. Even just bike rides around town like I took in those first lonely couple of weeks this last summer is enough to give you a fresh perspective on things. Feeling like a stranger in your situation isn't always such a bad thing.

- I've really got my own things going on up here now. At times that really scares me. As if it indicates the old me is dead along with everything I loved attached to it. I don't want to get to philosophical or existential but when I really think about it I realize how fast life moves and how little things I thought were important once mattered I get overwhelmed and panic. Even things that really did matter back then don't now. I guess thats just the nature of life but its humbling and something in my pride really doesn't like being humbled. Life is beautiful but not beautiful in the way a girl is beautiful. Its beautiful in the way years of heartbreak and pain can pour out of a worn man's guitar. Beautiful in the way a funeral is beautiful. Beautiful in the way the soul and hope of a slave's song is beautiful. Depressing beautiful, I guess, but in a way that is uniquely wonderful.

- All you can do is hold on to the people that make you a better person be it staying close to them or keeping them in your thoughts and letting go of the people that make your world a little darker.

- Well, its past my bedtime and not setting limits in my sleeping habits has been hurting me recently so goodnight.

The Fever

2007-10-15T00:11:00.000-06:00

- So the Rockies are a game away from the World Series. Can you believe that? I remember when I was eight and still a little boy living in Texas when I recieved my first piece of Rockies memoriabilia, an autographed baseball given to me by aunt living in Denver. I also remember going to games shortly after moving here and sitting in Coors field watching the Rockies play as the sun sets just over the mountains in left field. And then I remember years and years of losing and then getting disapointed as they got so hot too late these last couple years. And now they are one game out of the World Series. Its just flat out incredible.

- It's definitely an up in a semester of up and downs. I'm not in a down right now but I've never gone back and forth on a daily basis so often as I have over the last month or so. I have no idea what on earth is going on sometimes and whats most frustrating is I have no way of finding out. Just utterly powerless. I probably know that no news is bad news in this case but even as I write that I can just feel my pride physically reject the thought. And theres always that ever pesky whisper of doubt. No safety net this time though.

- Theres just something about October that messes me up. If I could only learn the value of not forcing a square peg into a round hole and just trusting the plan God has for my life I could save myself a lot of anguish I create over the stupidest things. Relax, Jay, honestly. Theres a lot going right for you right now. Live in that.

A Year Later

2007-10-12T12:17:00.000-06:00

- Am I ever enjoying life. Fall is in full swing and the trees down Laurel are raining down golden leaves like big orange snow flakes. The air is a smooth 65 degrees nearly every day and the Rockies are tearing apart the playoffs. CSU, Texas, and the Broncos may all be sporting losing streaks but its not dragging me down too much. My flag football team lost a close match in the semifinals of the playoffs one game out of the finals after manhandling the first two teams we played. I think its safe to say we had a lot more fun than a lot of those teams too. The concert with Mal and Jessie was great and watching the Rockies play in the playoffs with some of my best friends in something I'm going to remember forever.

- My week of terror turned out to not hit me as hard as I expected. The psychologist leading my researched realized the emense workload she put on us and pushed back the deadline cutting our work into still big, but more manageable chunks. When I checked out the new deadlines revealed to me I was actually a couple hours of work ahead. As imposing as the week looked at the beggining, it really flew by. I just took it one worry at a time and I came out alright.

- Lifes not perfect, but it shouldn't be. If nothings ever on our minds bothering us things get boring. The hard times are harder too when you get used to not having anything to worry about.

- Its looking to be a classic Fall weekend with people comming over for the Rockies game tonight and maybe a corn maze tomorrow. I'm over the hump for this semester and the next couple of weeks should fly by pretty smooth up till finals.

- But now, I'm going to take a well earned nap.

The Miracle

2007-10-04T23:14:00.000-06:00

----------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll start this post off with a warning that its really boring. Kinda just a play by play of my going ons recently. I hate writing them but enjoy reading them a little ways down the road to give me a little perspective on how much things can change and how fast they do so. This blogs for me not you so suck it up. Heart, Jay
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Phew. So here I am a week later. With the way the last few days went and how the next couple are going to go, its weird thinking that the week is almost over and tomorrow its the weekend. I feel like my weekend came in the middle of the week with the Rockies playoff games (which they won both or all three if you count the Padres game), flag football, Halo, my sleep schedual, and how little I studied and went to class. Don't worry, it was a slow week academically which allowed for my slacking off.

- The weekend doesn't feel so laid back though. As busy as it is I think I'm going to have to find some time in it for work. For my research alone I have roughly 20 hours of video to watch by next Thursday morning and when I finish all my observations there I need to rate the behaviors in the videos and then prepare feedback for the roughly 20 subjects I'm responsible for reporting. Somewhere in there I'm going to need to study for the multiple tests I have in the first half of the week and if I have time sleep. It chose a bad weekend too because I've got the Spill Canvas concert tomorrow with Mal and Britt and then Saturday is the homecoming football game with a Rockies playoff game at night; all three being once a year type of events that I'm not willing to miss just to get an overload of research work dumped on me done. I'm not too worried, just a touch overwhelmed. I'll just set my priorities well and I'll get the things done that need to get done.

- Mmm, if you ever want to melt my soul play me music with a little bit of a gospel touch or some tastful steel sliding guitar. Dariustx recently has been resonating on my mood. Good stuff. Bummer I'm the only who seems to like this kind of music. I eat it up like hot cakes.

Open

2007-09-27T00:20:00.000-06:00

- I see my window for opportunity. Its there, and its as flawless as whatever I hope to get out of this. We'll see I guess. Kind of an unusal situation. I don't know.

- What I do know is that tonight was fun. One of my teams put up our third consecutive 40+ point in coed flag football by beating the best team in our division and claiming a playoff spot with a 3-0 record. My other team lost again due to a mediocre quarterbacking, a chick who kicked me in the balls on a blitz, and a guy that we all just called, "the hoss". Cause thats what he was. Fastest kid alive. It was all good though. We had a good time anyway. Or at least I did.

- No class tomorrow too which means I get all morning to play Halo 3 before I go do some work assessing research videos and lead the study later that night. And finally I think I'm going home this weekend for the first time in weeks. I'm looking foward to that.

- Thats about it. I'm going to rest my weary body for now.

Living for the Weekends

2007-09-22T14:29:00.000-06:00

- I'm sorry, I suppose I owe an update after the last post. The girl that picked up my phone on the ground where it fell out of my pocket called my roomate Jeff the next day. We met up, I got my phone back, and I learned my lesson. I make sure I have it everytime I go anywhere now and again when I leave.

- Overall life is amazing though. I went to IHOP with Jeff, Andrea, and Cliff this morning and in between the crisp fall air on the drive over, the juicy goodness of my steak and eggs, and the realization that I have one of the best group friends in the world, I just couldn't help but sit there and think how lucky I am. These are definantly the best days of my life.

I'd lose my head if it wasn't screwed on so tight.

2007-09-18T09:56:00.000-06:00

- If you ever want a way to make me die from frustration and stress, all you have to do is hide things from me. I had a 15 minute window yesterday between when I got out of my accounting class and figured out that I had misplaced my phone. I literally spent two hours last night after I got out of my STRETCH meeting tearing apart my room, house, and retracing my steps all the way back to my accounting class with no luck in finding it. I get OCD when I can't find someting dumb like the TV remote and still I can't sit still until I find it. Now imagine what its like for me to lose my phone. I'm in hell that I can't find it. My only hope before I need to just write it off as lost and get a new one is that maybe I left it in accounting and my teacher picked it up. Chances aren't good but I guess theres still a chance. The timing of losing it could hardly be worse.

- Oh well, there are worse things I suppose. I run my first of two assessment center nights tonight. I'm kinda nervous but everyone else that has done it hasn't really had any major problems knock on wood.

- Other than that I guess I don't really have anything to write about out of the ordinary. I'm staying busy. Intramural flag football is my mid week savior. There are things I have to enjoy about both of my teams even though one is really good and the other got mercy ruled.

- Overall, just tell me if you see my phone.

Iridescent

2007-09-10T19:23:00.000-06:00

- I was having trouble sleeping last night. I was just flat out restless and unable to get comfortable so I got up, played a little guitar to try and quiet my mind a bit. After getting a glass of water and putting the guitar away I laid back down on my bed and as soon as I did one powerful image from my childhood flooded my mind as if someone forced it on me:

- It was from a time as a kid when I was living in Lubbock late in a summer afternoon. I'd been playing in the front yard all day with my sisters throwing those big round sycamore seeds at each other after loosening up the stems so they'd explode when they hit someone. Everyone had long since gone inside at this point and for some reason I was crawling around in the white Chevy we owned at the time. I discovered the seat reclined and decided to play astronaut and pretend I was taking off in a spaceship to the moon by reclining the seat really far back and staring out the window at the sky. Right as I did that how tiring the day was hit me and I just laid there watching the leaves on the sycamore tree wave in the wind as the late afternoon sun danced in between them and lit each one up like a dull green light.

- The memory relaxed me and allowed me to finally fall asleep after three hours of tossing and turning.

- When I woke up this morning a bit of me became really depressed. If I can take the time as a little kid to stop and recognize the simple pleasure of summer afternoon, why do I have so much trouble slowing down as a young adult? Thinking about my day today, from nine o' clock when I first rolled into my class to just now when I finished studying I was literally running from here to there barely taking time to eat lunch much less enjoy one the first crisp fall days of the season. And as much as I got done today, it all feels like a waste. I guess I don't know what I expect of myself. I really can't afford to slow down without letting things slip but real life; like real life to me was sitting in the reclined seat of that Chevy watching the day and really realizing the miracle of everything around me. I started a sketchbook a couple weeks ago to try and get those moments down before I let them slip into nothing.

- It all goes so fast sometimes, I just don't want to miss any of it.